UTV 'stalker 'Everything.pdf'"

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The Philmarilion

What is this? Since the beginning of June 2013, 1 have taken a great interest in the /sp/ trip
user UTV. I have archived his posts, and made these archives public, and celebrated him in
many ways, some of which I have made public, such as our 100 th anniversary celebrations.
However, most of the things I have written about him have no place in the public eye. This is
a collection of private works, stories, images, and other features about UTV that I cannot
place anywhere else and am merely keeping for my own usage and viewing.

Why UTV? UTV has something I cannot explain. He has a certain magnetism, if he
encountered the X-Man Magneto he would be in a great deal of danger. He is funny,
intelligent, posts often enough that I can archive his posts without any real problems. He
attracts me and he completes me. Note that this is not an attempt to 'dox' or reveal UTV's
real identity. I have no interest in those ideals, and want UTV to be around for as long as
possible so that we can continue our fruitful and boundless relationship.

Why am I doing this? Because UTV is my passion, my hobby and my social life. I love him
and I love archiving his posts. Nothing can top the feel, the incredible happiness, which I get
when I see him post. That feeling of sliding a post of his into the collage, when it fits
perfectly, its like playing Tetris but instead of blocks, I have funny, intelligent, wisdom filled
and witty posts. Writing about him will only feed my appetite for UTV. Archiving his posts
isn't enough. They are my bread and my butter but this is the salt and pepper on the
sandwich that spices it up.

If this work is ever discovered by someone, please do not send it to a publisher. *

*As I have decided to share this work, this is no longer valid

Who is UTV? A quick biography of my friend

The first thing to say about UTV is that he is a user on 4chans /sp/ board, but more specifically, he
uses the football manager, or /trb/, threads, as his main posting area. I have also used this board for
a while but generally without purpose, wandering lonely as a cloud, until I found UTV. I had known
about him for a while, but had not realised what a great individual he actually is until I read his /trb/
posts. Within these threads he becomes himself. He doesn't worry about what others think of him.
He acts like himself, and himself is the person who I admire completely and will never allow to leave
my life. He has his gimmicks like any trip, but he isn't ruled by them. He is ruled by his own
personality, his caring, his willingness to talk and to laugh and to joke and to be friends with
everyone who deserves it. His responses to other posters within the /trb/ threads are the sneezes
which lead to a pandemic of hilarious discussion and fine /trb/ moments the memories of which will
last a lifetime.

What are his gimmicks?

Like any Trip UTV does have his gimmicks and if I refer to them at any point it is worth having a
reference point so that they can make more sense. His first gimmick is his 'racism'. He is called a
racist and implied that he hates people from other countries. This is purely a gimmick of course,
even if he does play up to it, which he does in typical, good natured UTV fashion, happily allowing
people to riff on him in order for the threads to fully flourish. A sub gimmick of this is his distaste for
the Argentinian people and his insistence that they are in fact black, and from a black country. He
often utilises this gimmick with hilarious results, ie, claiming that Messi is a black man when he isn't,
and the /trb / threads are a funnier place because of it.

Another one his gimmicks is his height. This was seemingly started by Grenville but it is often
claimed that he is a 'midget' or otherwise short. Obviously UTV is actually a normal height, but this
mocking about his perceived shortness, which would only be possible over the internet (just like our
relationship), has provided many classic and hilarious UTV moments and is another thing that makes
him a more engaging person. Seeing him destroy those who claim he is short is a wonderful sight
and something I will never tire of seeing.

UTV's third gimmick is his misnamed filenames. He often changes his filenames so that they are not
describing what the image itself shows. Perhaps his most famous ones include 'Annoyed Cat,
Flustered Fox and Pestered Platypus' when he posts an image of a dog making a silly face. This is
always funny and UTV has ensured it does not become boring by extending it to other things, such as
pictures of simpsons characters. He even pretends to misunderstand things during casual
conversation, such as claiming somebody else has posted a picture of something which they have
not. For example, if someone posted a picture of an Arsenal player celebrating a goal he might
respond by saying 'Why is that West Ham player sad because his teammate died?'. This is classic
UTV behaviour.

UTV is also a fan of Aston Villa. This isn't a gimmick as such although it leads to many of his finest
moments. He hates Alex McLeish and refers to him as 'McShit' which can be played for humorous
effect, he does the same with Roy Hodgson calling him Hodgshit

Table of Contents

4- Acknowledgements

5- Ways to remember things

6- 8- Racism Maps

9-15- UTV's responses to my posts
14-21- Songs and poems about UTV
22-23- UTV funeral plans
24-26- UTV and me- a tale of two detectives

27- UTV movie idea 1

28- UTV comedy roast routine

29- Moving in together plans

30- 31- Sun Sex and Suspicious archivers

32- UTV Movie idea 2

33- UTV ruse cruise

34- 35- How to make it seem like I live with UTV

36- How to make UTV enjoy my company more

37- 39- UTV Rorschach tests

40- Spreading Good feeling using UTV

41- Why does UTV like Spiderman?

42- 43- The bait club

44- UTV feel picture

45- 47- The great UTV bank robbery

48- Kent Stool Chart

49- Videos

50- 51- UTV Invention Ideas

52- BBC Livetext

53- 54- Erotikent
55-57- UTV Mini Golf

58-59- What has UTV learned from the various Villa managers

60- UTV ransom note

61- 63- Protecting UTV

64-67- What UTV said before he rused me
68-74- Planning a UTV city

75- UTV and I as a dating website

76- 79- UTV daily post counts
80-85- UTV filename rundown
85-97- Daily UTV diary

Acknowledgements

Firstly UTV, for being my inspiration

Grenville, Ladford, MIB, Fella, The German trips, and pretty much every other trip, for helping to give
UTV a chance to show his charisma and welcoming him into the /trb/ community when it would
have been easy to shun him as a typical /sp/ tripfag.

Special mention for Grenville for allowing many of UTV's finest post. He has surely been the chopped
off finger used on the scanner of the high security door that is UTV's personality. For that I can only
thank and love him

To Moot for creating this board on which I discovered a purpose

To anonymous /trb/ers, especially the ones who give UTV the attention he needs to consistently
make the best posts he can

To Miles for creating something that can draw in the very best men
To Microsoft for creating word

For whoever owns the dog used in the famous flustered fox.jpg image, without this there wouldn't
be as much laughter in my world, hahaha.

To my own family for not requesting usage of my laptop and preventing me from continuing on my
archival

Ways to remember things

I find things difficult to remember and this page is dedicated to using UTV- who is memorable to me
and whose posts I tend to remember forever- in order to overcome my inability to remember pieces
of Information

The Planets, plus Pluto

Phil is.... (Pluto)

Nice (Neptune)

Unbelievable (Uranus)

Superb (Saturn)

Jolly (Jupiter)

Marvellous (Mars)

Exciting (Earth)

Virile (Venus)

Majestic (Mercury)

Microsoft Office Desktop Applications

Phil (Powerpoint)

Excels (Excel)

In (Infopath)

Witty (Word)

Anecdotes (Access)

Laughs (Lync)

Often (Onenote)

Supports Dunne (Sharepoint Designer)

Sustains a Fantastic (Sharepoint Foundation)

Outlook (Outlook)

Protects (Project)

Vulnerable (Vision)

People (Publisher)

The Following are UTV's responses to my posts within Football Manager threads. I do not respond
directly to him often as I prefer to watch from afar as I do in my personal life, and I don't want him
feeling he has to impress me, however, sometimes it is impossible to resist speaking to him, he is a
naked woman and I must have a peek. As you can see, his responses to me are generally good
natured 'banter' with humorous intention that show the sweet, tender relationship that we share
together, the height of which was the 100 th anniversary we celebrated as a coupling.

□ UTV Gabby -Tekkers -Weimann IMjaFOpDkME ffl 0 6/23/1 3{Sun >01
Octopus crawls into its tank with a scarf over its head.aif (2 MB, 386x21

>>36892167 fYoui

HOW ABOUT YOU JUST FUCK OFF!?

YOU FUCKING CUNT STOP FUCKING STALKING ME FUCKING SAD PIECE OF SHIT

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME £tS 06/21/1 3(Fri)20:56:43 No. 36850073 M

How can I hound Given out of the club? There s no way I’m paying him £5.5 to terminate his contract.

>>36849999 fYoui

Just fuck off you fucking cunt

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME £13 06/21/1 3(Fri)1 6:49:52 No. 36844453 [-;

>>36844385 fYou:

Fuck off

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME 03 06/21/1 3(Fri)1 8:37:1 9 No. 36846588 [*]

>>36846560 fYou'i
I uploaded it onto Youtube

1 YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UF [embed)

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME 06/20/1 3(Thuj20:45:02 No.36803896 [*

>>36803864 fYout
Fucking stop

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME j=|§ 06/20/1 3 (Thu >17:44:21 No. 36797718 [▼

>>36797672 fYou f :

This is fucking sad

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME m 06/1 8/1 3(Tue)1 9:29:00 No.36716062 M

>>36716025 fYou':

Why do you keep posting these?

Mort importantly, why do you think people care?

□ UTV IMjaFOpDkME M 06/17/1 3(Mon)23:58:23 No.36687123 M

>>36687104 fYou;

Project?

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 gH 07/03/13(Wed)Q0:05:46 No.37276840 [▼]

>>37276733 fYoul
>Together

Fuck off

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 m 07/D8/1 3(Mon)20:28: 39 No.37498905 [▼]

>>37498843 fYoul
Can't be arsed.

And I wish people would stop saying !, the final" as if me getting there is already a given.

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 j£H 07/03/13{Wed)01:10:19 No. 37278747 [▼]

Combine advisor.j pg (72 KB. 420x750) google iqdb

>>3727851 5 fYoul

Stop this is so fucking pathetic and sad.

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 gH 07/05/1 3(Fri)20: 05:26 No.37377097 [▼]
Combine advisor.j pg (72 KB. 420x750) google iqdb

>>37376943 fYoui
Get help

□ UTV NeVsOC6Ws3sA £1 07/28/1 3(Sun)22: 03: 16 No. 38148468 [
>>38148414 fYoul

What? I'm here now and I was here yesterday.

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 07/1 8/1 3(Thu)01:27:49 No. 37304721 [t]

>>37804703 fYoni
Not really

□ UTV !4atnVwsseG Hi 07/21/1 3(Sun)1 8: 0 1 : 09 No.37922202 |

>>37922143 fYoul

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING KNOW

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 Hi 07/21/1 3(Sun)22: 33: 14 No.37932032 [

>>37931564 fYoul
Jack Russell.

□ UTV 14 atnVws s e 6 jjg 0 7/1 8/1 3 (Th u ) 0 1 : 3 0 : 2 9 No. 37804796 M

>>37804763 fYou'!

A big day for you you mean.

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sAHi 07/31/1 3[Wed)23: 55: 1 6 No.38240818 [▼]
Annoyed Cat.pna (26 KB. 1 1 0x90) aooale iqdb

>>33240696 fYoul
>>38240776

What have I done to get this sort of
obsession?

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA Hi 08/04/1 3(Sun)QQ:20:21 No.3B340154 [▼]
Marge.j pg (28 KB. 700x525) google iqdb

>>38340135 fYoul

□ UTV NeVsOC6Ws3sAHi 0B/03/1 3(Sat)22:26:48 No. 38335729 [▼]

>>38336615
I like your thinking

>>38336606 fYoul

Archiving my posts in here is one thing, but you're actually stalking me in other threads too? Get a fucking life.

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sAHi 08/07/1 3(Wed) 1 6: 30: 39 No.38463026 [▼]

>>38463011 fYoul

>Good to have you back my friend

I didn't go anywhere?

□ UTV HeVsOC6Ws3sA Hi 08/07/1 3(Wed) 1 6:40: 50 No.38463193 [▼]

>>38463071 fYoul

Jesus I can't be here every single minute of every single day.

□ UTV !4atnVwsse6 m 08/09/1 3fFri)14: 04: 13 No. 38523778 [▼

>>38523741 fYoul

Do you not realise how fucking sad and pathetic you are?

□ UTV HeVsOC6Ws3sAiH 08/12/1 3(Mon)1 9: 39: 57 No.38637343 [▼]

>>33637918 fYoul
Fuck off cunt

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA ffl 08/15/13fThu)22:45: 34 No. 387388 11 [▼]

>>33738582 fYoul
When will this stop?

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA Hi 0 8/1 8/1 3 ( S u n )1 8 : 4 3 : 1 6 No. 38843761 [▼]

>>38843657 fYoul

I'm not going to leave, it's just one butthurt anon trying to start shit.

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sAiH 08/20/1 3|Tue)00: 09: 52 No.38894239 [▼]
>>38894208 fYoul

You mean. YOU are having your 200th soon.

O UTV !!eVs0CGWs3sA 3 08/23/1 3 (Fri}2 1:27:23 No. 33012846 [▼]

>>39012812 fYoul
Thank you

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA!Hi 08/29/1 3(Thu)21:43: 38 No. 39212647 [▼
>>33212525 fYoul

Don’t you think your obsession with me is unhealthy?

]

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA Hi 03/30/1 3(Fri)12:48: 34 No.39234781 [▼

>>39234703 fYoul

Look, this needs to stop NOW.

□ UTV !!eVs0C6Ws3sA US 08/3 0/1 3(Fri}1 8:31:58 No.33240734 [▼]

>>33240704 fYoul

Did you not hear me in the last thread. THIS NEEDS TO FUCKING STOP NOW.

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA 08/30/1 3(Fri)23: 13:22 No. 33250626 [▼]

>>39250428 fYoul

You listen to me now ? stop this. You're clearly here yet you're ignoring me. Why?
□ UTV HeVsQC6Ws3sA 08/31/13(Sat)14:39:42 No.39269536 [▼]

>>39269545 [You)

Will you fucking stop this? At least answer me you sad cunt.

□ U TV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA!Hi 09/05/1 3(Thu)22: 12: 10 No.39462682 [▼]

>>39462533 {You)

Please, just leave me alone.

□ UTV NeVs0C6Ws3sA gH 09/07/1 3(Sat) 1 S: 54:23 No.3

>>39539074 fYoul
>some other political figure

Are you telling me you don't recognise Al Gore?

□ UTV Hodgson Out !!bVsOCGWb3sA gH 09/10/13fTuo)21:S9:00 No. 39690626 [*]

>>39690453 fYoul

□ UW!!eVs0C6Ws3sAifl§09/13/13(Fri)00:55:09 No.39756387 1^1 >>39756420 >>33756430 >>33756433 >>39756476

>>39756332 (You)

What I find most unsettling about this archiver is not the stalking but the fact that he just sits there reading /trb/ all day but says nothing.

Poems and song parodies regarding UTV

Volume 1

Alone I sat down
When I saw UTV post
My life was repaired

Limerick

There once was a young Phil from Kent
Who loved to call Frodo an Ent
He bet against Villa
In a 3-1 Thriller

They lost and his money was sent

How I cope without him

I stare at an empty volume

It stares back at me, blue as the sea and drowning me as the sea would if I were to fall in
And also had never learnt to swim
I wonder where he is. Why has he left.

I stare wide mouthed as though I suffer with a cleft.

But I know that he will eventually return

Because he wouldn't betray me like this, as likely that is

As a Beneke miss.

But its OK, I have my memories of Phil
I have everything we've been through together
And everything we will.

I think back to when he hated me and was appalled by my existence
And I know things are better now. Now he loves me
Now he cares

So I wait. I write I sit and I watch
For another berustled bear
If I drank I would do this.

While sipping a Scotch

And there he is, he just made a post, I am glad he is back
I will cap every post
I love him.

A Sonnet for UTV

How can I explain my deep seated love for UTV?

I could compare him to an Aston Villa goal
But unlike a Villa goal UTV enlightens me
I want him with me always like a benign mole

An Aston Villa goal may not always make me giggle
Whereas Phil from Kent will always make me chuckle
With each joke he posts and when his regens get a niggle
Under the weight of Phil my heartstrings will buckle

The main reason I can't compare him to when Villa score
Is that I don't think of Villa goals when alone
Whereas UTV's posts rub cream on my soul when it's sore
Phil turns me to softness like Medusa turns man to stone

So long as UTV posts and his words manage to thrive
Then I will be there for him updating the love archive.

An Ode for Grenville

There is a love I should not have
One by all rights I should avoid

But this love to me is unavoidable like squatting to a Slav

Even though it will come back to hurt me like when Lance chose to roid

You see this love I have is a love of Grenville

UTV's arch enemy

I love the way he gets Phil excited

And though UTV pretends to hate him like a McLeish 0-0

I see the truth they are like Carl and Lenny

I am not short sighted

When Grenville posts UTV does too

When Grenville jokes Phil follows suit

And for that Grenville I love you

You help make UTV a hoot

With your Irish slang and hate for Britain

You get Phil riled up

Oh yes you do

And every day I feel more smitten
I never want you to stop
I love you

Song Parodies

Who needs the transfer thread (who needs the
originally)

(this song would be sung by UTV moments after realising his no longer likes outer /sp/ because he
can be himself within /trb/)

You see, whether fan group, off or online, or a BNP meeting, theres no community I've been to that
I'd rather call my home

When I first arrived you all circlejerked
But now I've come to lovvve
Your quirks,

Mibby with his ass not tight,

Morz with thongs his sis stained white
Fella asks about our saves, Ladford goes to nightclub raves
Grenvilles a delightful paddy, you won't leave me like my daddy
Grenville: Haha, you're OK

Who needs the transfer thread, now time to work your head,

Oh won't you rhyme with me?

Who needs the transfer thread?

Ladford: They kill their banter dead
Mib: Their rumours are mislead
Fella: I believe nothing they've said
Grenville: The transfer thread is real... doh

Who needs the transfer thread?

Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Forget the transfer thread
Goodbye to transfer thread
Who needs the transfer thread?

Not me!

Ring of Phillip (Ring of Fire originally)

Love is a burning thing
And it makes a Phillipy ring
Obsessed by a wonderful trip
I fell into a ring of Phillip

I fell into a burning ring of Phillip
With each flustered fox my heart began to slip
And it burns burns burns the ring of Phillip
The ring of Phillip

Most posts, from Phil are sweet
I archive them all neat
I fell for you like a child
Oh my Phillip is wild

I fell into a burning ring of Phillip
With each flustered fox my heart began to slip
And it burns burns burns the ring of Phillip
The ring of Phillip

And it burns burns burns the ring of Phillip
The ring of Phillip
The ring of Phillip
The ring of Phillip

Untitled UTV story (Big Iron originally)

To the quaint thread of trollball rode a strange trip one fine day
Hardly spoke to folks around him really enjoyed posting bait
No one dared to ask his business no one dared to be a prat
Because the tripfag there among them had posted an annoyed cat
Posted an annoyed cat

It was early in the morning when he posted in the thread

He came riding from outer /sp/ slowly lookin all around

He's a shitposter loose and runnin came the whisper from each chap

And he's here to do some business with the picture of a cat

Picture of a cat

In these threads posted an Irishman by the name of Grenville Green
Many men had argued with him and to each one he was mean
He was vicious and a monster though in love with Georgie Tarr
And on his /trb/ save he'd played through twenty years and more
Twenty years and more

Now the tripfag started talking nobody was mislead

Was an outer /sp/ legend now in the trollball thread

He came here to find a paddy who loved forcing shortness memes

And he said it didn't matter that he was after Grenville Green

After Grenville Green

Wasn't long before the story was relayed to Grenville Green
But he didn't worry had bullied others through his screen
Many men had tried to beat him many men had been out played
Grenville had the ferocious passion of the IRA
Of the IRA

The morning passed so quickly it time for the clash of heads
It would go for many weeks and would ruin many threads
Anons stopped posting during the fight. Minifridge posted gifs
They knew that UTV couldn't beat Grenville the myth
Beat Grenville the myth

After many hundreds of threads the two stopped their debate
Defeat by Phil from Kent was Grenvilles eventual fate
Grenville had hated Thatcher and made Willy Wonka jokes
But Phil was a rusemaster and into a snafu Grenny was coaxed
A snafu he was coaxed

It was over Phillip had won and the anons gathered round
There before them lay the pride of Ireland on the ground
Oh he might have went on posting but he acted like a prat
When he tried to beat the tripfag and his annoyed cat
His annoyed cat

Stop never (Taylor Swift song originally)

I remember when I archived the first posts

You said, would you fuck off you sad cunt, cause like.

You didn't know that I was just in love

You posted a foxes face

Then you saw me post again and said

Sad Cunt, You stop this and stop stalking me, you prick

Remember how pestered you were that day?

I say 'I love you' I archive, my volumes, you hate me

Ooh I archived more posts last night

But ooh, this time I'm telling you I'm telling you

I am never ever ever, gonna stop ever

I am never ever ever gonna stop ever

You go fight with Grenville, fight with Fella, fight with Morz

But I am never ever ever, gonna stop ever

Like, ever

I really really love when you pick fights,

Shouting about Benteke with all your might.

And when you post a picture of a fluffy dog.

With a filename something like harrowed hog

You called me a sad cunt again last night
But ooh, this time I'm telling you I'm telling you

I am never ever ever, gonna stop ever

I am never ever ever gonna stop ever

You go fight with Grenville, fight with Fella, fight with Morz

But I am never ever ever, gonna stop ever

I archive UTV (you've got a friend in me)

I archive UTV
I archive UTV

When he's posting a stressed shrew
And he's angry at Miles
For being a Jew

I just archive every post that's new
Boy, I archive UTV
I archive UTV
I archive UTV
I archive UTV

He hates City, then I hate em too

There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for U(tv)

We stick together and we see it through
I archive UTV
I archive UTV

Some other trips might be a
Little bit smarter than he is
Shitpost a bit less too
Maybe

But none of them will ever love me the way you do

Its me and you

And as the years go by

My archives will never die

I take no risk

Put them on a disc

I archive UTV

When he loved me

(I write this because I am sad that UTV has not posted much recently. The original song is from Toy
Story 2)

When UTV loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every post he made in trollball

Into my archives

And when he was mad

I was there to cap it all

And when he was happy, so was I

When he loved me

Through his debates with Grenville

I had to archive, my friend Phil

When he misnamed his files

A dog was a bored bee

When Villa played crappy

I was there to comfort him

And I knew that he loved me

So the weeks went by

I stayed the same

But he played on GTA

And I was left alone

Still I waited for the day

When he'd say

I prefer trollball

Lonely and forgotten

I never thought he'd post again

He came in and called me sad cunt

Just like he used to do

Like he loved me

When he loved me

When UTV loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every volume I spent archiving

Lives within my heart

When he loved me

Funeral plans if the worst should happen to UTV

I am well aware that one UTV may die. I do not want it to happen and this page should not be
interpreted as that possibility, but I believe he is slightly older than me and I have no visions where I
am no longer by his side, so whether he dies in 60 years or 60 minutes, from old age or alcohol
poisoning celebrating a Villa title win, whichever comes first, I am going to ensure that I plan his
funeral. This will include parlour layout and a Eulogy.

Mood

The mood of UTV's funeral will have to fit the type of person that he is. He is a light hearted, jokey
individual, always making people laugh and misdirecting them. Perhaps it would be advertised as a
wedding to his favourite female Karen Gillian as the final humorous 'ruse'. The effigies would
involve jokes and stories about UTV, his debates with Grenville, his initial introduction to the wider
/sp/ community, and so on and so forth.

Who to invite

Obviously UTV's family will be the first to be invited to this funeral as well as the Aston Villa team at
the time. However, only some regular /trb/ trips could attend the funeral which would be held in
UTV's beloved Kent. The trips I would invite to the funeral are

Purgatory (not a /trb/ trip but a close friend of UTV's)

Chelsea Manager (the same from what I remember of outer /sp/)

Grenville

MIB

Fella

Every British /trb/er, in fact, except Ladford who would be bored by the lack of popular music, he
also struggles to show respect
Most European trips

American trips would have to prove they could attend in order to be invited.

Eulogy

This is only a draft, please note. I would use some of UTV's best posts and read them aloud in order
to show the type of person that he is.

"How can I hound Given out of the club? Theres no way I'm paying him 5.5 million to terminate his
contract. This quote, from UTV's archives, shows his determination and will to succeed. He was
willing to do anything he had to, in his life, and that is why he was such a rousing success as Aston
Villa manager and as a /trb/ trip. Phil was a man of honour, of nobility, but never a man of
uptightness or over seriousness, he was willing to mock himself, 'Keep me updated on your paki
smashing Finlandbro, just one of many examples of the man mocking himself. Over the years, I got
to know him very well, as a completely self aware, always looking to improve himself, and caring
man. I can't really say too much, so please watch this presentation of his greatest posts, and then,
his parents will say a few short words, being the people who know him best after myself"

Parlour Layout

The four blue boxes represent seating. Family on the right, /trb/ers on the left, and other
assorted guests on the other two seating areas. The middle is the open casket which will be left
as open as UTV was during his life. The stand on which Eulogies will be given will be straddled
over the casket so that the people Phil cares about can stand above him as they speak about his
life

U and me TV: A tale of two detectives

Act 1- Prologue

Police station interior- Camera shows a blood covered floor. It slowly zooms up, revealing police
tape and a group of investigators. The source of the blood is a double bed in the bedroom. 4 men
lie in the bed. They are underneath a plastic sheet which covers their naked bodies. The camera
pans to show two officers. Both are of average height, around 6 feet in height. The one on the left,
Kentsable Phil, is buff, with large muscles handsome looks. His partner. Officer Phil Smate, is
thinner and slightly shorter, looking up to UTV both physically and mentally.

KP- Smate, I want the lowdown of what happened here my old friend

OS- Four bodies. On the bed. Carvings in the chests. We don't know what they say until the camera
zooms in on them, which it can't do until you've had a look. You are the leader here.

Officer Smate pulls the sheet from the bodies, revealing the carvings in each mans chest. Camera
zooms in on the markings which say 'Isco' on the first man, 'Rooney' on the second man, 'Van
Persie' on the third man, and 'De Rossi' on the fourth.

KP- What? What the hell is this?

OS- As far as we can tell, the carvings are each the name of a player who Manchester City have failed
to sign in the last few years. Its lucky they never went in for Venegoor of Hesselink or this whole
room would have filled with guts and blood.

KP- That's fucking disgusting. Do we have any leads? I am able to deduct with my incredible
reasoning, and the logical skills which see me win every argument I have within /trb/ threads, that
the killer is probably an upset Manchester City fan. But where did he go? If only we had something
that would allow us to see any other potential clues as to his whereabouts.

Officer Smate picks up a small UV light and hands it to Kentstable Phil

KP- What is this Smate?

OS- That's my UltraTinyViolet light
KP- Its... its your UTV?

OP- That's not my UTV you are!

Kentstable Phil sighs loudly as Officer Smate smiles warmly at the relationship they have together.
Phil picks up the light and shines it, revealing footsteps which lead out of the window

KP- The footsteps lead outside. The suspect went out of the window. So, he's either a person with
the strength to climb, or Argentinas chances of claiming the Falklands!

OS- Good one sir, you sure love to stick it to those Argentines. We need to follow him. We can use
this torch. It'll be good for shadowing the suspect

KP- What do you mean?

OS- We're going to use it FORESHADOWING the suspect. This blue torch made in Manchester will be
good foreshadowing.

KP- Oh I see.

OS- If only we could find out what these people were doing here... wait,whats this?

Smate walks over to the rooms computer and opens the minimised internet tab, revealing a
Craigslist advert

OS- This is an advert for a gay fivesome.

KP- But there are only four bodies, so...

OS- So the killer invited men over with the promise of sex then brutally murdered them.

KP- Wait I've seen this before. Once before.... They call him the 'Manchester City Missed Targets

Murderer'

OS- That isn't a very good nickname

KP- Yeah the media didn't have a good time with it, it never really took off with the public. Probably
why you never heard of it.

OS- Can you tell me the story of the last time you came into contact with him?

KP- Never. Don't you dare ask me about that.

OS- OK. Sorry. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you. We've worked so many cases together.
Done so much with one another. So many cases. Know I will never hurt you. Whatever happens to
me, or whatever happens to you, we will always be best friends, and maybe one day something
more. I've been there on your best days and your worst days, in the background looking out for you.
You are my friend.

The two men cuddle. The other policemen in the room look at them embracing and mock them.
One policemen can be heard yelling insults like 'PoliceMANI' more like 'Pull his cock!'. The other
policemen share a laugh, thusly exposing the institutionalised racism within the police force.
Officer Smate kisses the Kentstable on the neck. The two men then share a 'French kiss'

OS- That was a great French kiss

KP- 1 know. I don't even like the French, I hate those fucking turtles!

OS- Don't you mean fro.... AHHH H !

KP- 1 know, I know. Anyway, we should really get back to the case at hand. Maybe if we go outside
we'll be able to see some clues and track down the killer.

The Kentstable pushes his finger into a corpse and licks it

KP- Its still warm, he's close.

UTV comedy roast routine

There is a good chance that one day I will attempt to organise a comedy roast for UTV, inviting all his
friends and relatives to joyfully laugh at him in a good natured way. I am using this page to prepare a
comedy routine related to this roast. It will be observational comedy as this is what seems to be
popular among the people of Britain in 2013.

The routine

"Hey ladies and grenvillemen! I'm here today to talk about UTV! Have you ever noticed how the vast
majority of UTV's post are responses to other peoples posts and not posts created from scratch
making a new point? Its like he prefers to contribute after the conversation has already started! I bet
this indicates shyness in real life am I right folks? You know what else I've noticed? Whenever he
recommends dubs for a team, he picks one he doesn't like! Like Bradford, Birmingham or Celtic!
Whats the deal with that? I bet if I asked him for dinner recommendations he'd recommend food he
doesn't like! Hey Grenville stop talking in the back you little devil. We've got a great show lined up
for you today folks, we're going to laugh at UTV and its going to be amazing and he's going to be a
great sport about it because that's just the kind of guy he is! Introducing our first act, he's a fan of
the toffees and now he's going to chew up Phil, its time for some Goodison Lark, Fella everybody!"

At this point we would hand over to Fella and his routine and would continue around all the people
who have a 'bit' on UTV. Then I would do another 'bit', to wrap up, which would involve harsher
more insulting comedy which I understand is considered to be humorous in the setting of a comedic
roast. Obviously it must be noted that I do not hold these opinions but they are opinions others may
agree with and thusly laugh in agreement.

"What a great roast everyone! I bet UTV is feeling really offended. He'll probably just make a face
and post some fucking retarded stupid unfunny filename in an attempt to mask his depression at the
fact that we've managed to attack his entire personality within an incredible short window! I think I
looked at him during the show and he had tears in his eyes mumbling 'le epic maymay' in an attempt
to convince himself that everyone of the gaping flaws in his horrible, disgusting personality are just
the other /trb/ers attempting to create memes so that they don't get bored when in actual fact
everything ever said about him is the truth and he should be ashamed of everything he is!'

At the end I would call for applause for him for being such a great sport and we would hug and kiss
on the lips then the crowd would applaud us and we would leave.

Potential One Liners relating to UTV I could use

What do UTV's trb posts volume 187 and a football pitch without any goals have in common! They
both lack posts!

Waiter, waiter, UTV's trb posts volume 28 is in my soup! Oh wait sorry, it's Robbie Keane in an
England shirt, I must have been confused because Grenville has nightmares about both of them

How do you know that UTV's trb posts volume 200 has been in the fridge? Because of the footprints
in the burger UTV made for me on this date!

Plan for if UTV and I move in together

One day I wish to meet UTV in person. As such, I think it would make sense to plan the layout for our
home when we eventually do. We would probably live in an apartment at first, with UTV working
and me staying home to continue my archiving and writings about him and looking after our pet
annoyed cat. This is a plan for a 7 room apartment that we could potentially share.

As you can see, the house will have a fairly standard layout with a couple of exceptions. However, there are a
number of reasons for the selected outlay of the home. The kitchen, or Kentchen as I have cleverly dubbed it, is
directly next to the door so that when UTV comes home from a hard day at work I can instantly prepare the sort of
food he is used to from his childhood. The spare bedroom is in use for when we initially move in and are
uncomfortable sleeping in the same room, and eventually when we adopt a child.

I will have a study so that I can work on my writing about UTV from home and archive any /trb/ posts he makes at
work. I will also have him build me a library with his strong arms and I would put my archives of his posts in there
as a paper copy. This room would be covered in metal walls so that nothing could destroy it.

Sun Sex and Suspicious archivers

The television show Sun Sex and Suspicious parents on BBC3 follows the parents of teenagers as
they follow their children to popular holiday resorts and watch what they get up to. I have often
wondered what UTV gets up to when he goes on holiday and am thusly going to write about this,
with me in place of UTV's parent. This won't be an entire episode transcript and will just include
important plot points.

Today on Sun Sex and Suspicious archivers, Phil from Kent goes on a lads holiday to the sun, sea
and sex capital of Europe, Zante. But what he doesn't know is that his faithful archiver is going to
be there with him, watching his every move!

Camera cuts to footage of a man in a Villa shirt surrounded by his friends drinking alcoholic
beverages and 'snogging' females. The camera then cutes to UTV's archiver and the announcer
mentions that his archiver has certain expectations of UTV while he is on his lads holiday

Archiver- My Phil is a troublemaker. He's a nice lad though, and I trust him, even if he is cheeky at
times. I'm not an idiot, I know what lads get up to, boys will be boys and all that. If he wants to get
drunk, bring a girl back, anything like that, I won't mind. However, there are some things I don't
want to see. I don't want to see him letting anyone else archive him. I don't want to see him getting
a tattoo with my name on it even if that is what he's always wanted, if he's getting a tattoo he's
getting one with one of his posts on it because those are things you want to be able to remember
forever. Oh, and the one thing I do NOT want to see is Phil starting an argument about Christian
Benteke. He isn't himself when he does that.

So that's what archiver wants, but lets meet Phil and his mates. Gregarious Grenville, Fun Fella,
and Sensible Santino

The camera shows the four lads drinking and chatting at a pub. It then cuts to UTV giving an
interview about what he wants from the holiday

UTV- I'm away from my archiver for a week, and its time to get wild. I'm gonna go out, talk to
women- Maybe even find someone else to archive my posts. This week. I'm not Phil from Kent. I'm
Phil, God Sent. God sent to the women of Zante

The show continues. It shows the lads going on holiday and the archiver going to Zante behind
him. The first night is very standard, Grenville gets drunk and starts whollering about nonsense,
Fella pulls when he asks a girl how her save is going and she mishears it as how her shave is going
and invites him to see her hairless vaginal area, and Santino complains about the fact that nobody
is focussing and discussing football manager. UTV acts cheeky like he normally does. His archiver is
very proud of his behaviour after he helps carry the drunken Grenville back to the apartment.

The second night begins and before long UTV is talking to a girl. The scene fades to black and goes
to the next morning with his archiver watching the footage on a laptop

Archiver- Oh he's talking to a girl. That's my UTV, that's what I expect. Whats he talking to her about
I wonder.

The footage shows UTV and the girl sneaking away into the back toilets. It then shows them
fondling when UTV whispers something into the girls ear. UTV reaches into his bookbag and takes
out 2 laptops

Archiver- What? Whats he doing? I don't think people have sex like this

The footage shows UTV loading up a /trb/ thread and posting in it. The girl then starts putting his
posts into a collage. This happens for 10 minutes then UTV leaves the bathroom to cheers of
approval from his party

Archiver-Oh no. This is what I didn't want to see. I fucking to... I'm sorry, pardon my French. I told
him not to do this for Gods sake. Why would he do this to me? I don't understand. Look I don't want
to carry on filming. He betrayed my trust. I know he's a lad on holiday but Christ surely he could
think before he does something like this. Who is that whore? She fucking has a pink background on
her volumes. She doesn't know anything about him. She isn't good enough for him

UTV's archiver gets up and leaves the room followed by the camera crew and the show goes to a
quick advertising break

JENNIFER

ANISTON

JASON

SUDEIKIS

WE’RE THE

PHILERS

Wavs to make myself feel closer to UTV

Its obvious to me that I can't feel as close to UTV as possible through a computer screen. I am going
to attempt to make it seem as though UTV and I share a home by using various techniques which I
will document here.

List of chores

The first way I am making myself feel like I live with UTV is leaving out a list of chores for him to do,
for example doing the dishes and taking out the bins. I intentionally will not do these chores so that I
feel as though UTV is simply skipping them

Labels on food

I am also going to leave labels on food that state they belong to UTV. To make it more realistic they
will be hilariously misnamed, with the milk called Orange Juice and I can't Believe its not Butter
called Butter.

How to make UTV enjoy my company more

While it is obvious that UTV loves my company a great deal, its worth considering ways to make him
enjoy my attention and love even more than he currently does. I have been reading female
magazines in an attempt to use their logic for making men like women in a similar way. That's not to
say I want a homosexual relationship with UTV, just something close to that.

Damsel in Distress

The first thing that I've learnt is that men love a 'damsel in distress', or in other words, a female who
has real trouble and is in need of help. According to lovepanky magazine this is because men like to
be treated like men, and this is bought out when they are given the chance to aid a woman with
something. It makes them feel like the superior gender and this makes them more attracted to the
woman and makes them enjoy their company more. Men simply love to be needed.

I could use this to make UTV like me more. There are many ways I could pretend to need help. For
example, I could beg UTV to post a certain image, because it wouldn't load for me and I need to fill a
gap in one of my volumes. Or maybe I could ask him to post a certain type of message for a special
collage that I am working on. This will make him see me as the distressed damsel that I am and he
would be more friendly than he already is.

Laughter

According to all womens talk, laughter and happiness will make a man more likely to enjoy your
company. I am not a naturally smiling individual, I do not enjoy smiling or laughter as much as many
people in the world. However, I may attempt to use laughing acronyms such as lol and Imao when
posting my volumes in response to UTV's posts in the volume so that he sees me as someone who
would be enjoyable to be around. This would also boost our relationship a great deal.

Practise Mirroring Strategies

All womens talk also recommends this as a way to attract a man. It wouldn't be hard to do this. In
fact I believe Kyle Lafferties Robot Dance has been practising this technique. He used to argue with
UTV often but has started misnaming filenames and now they get along very well. A suitable idea
along these lines for me would surely be to misname my volumes to hilarious things like 'Morzikei's
/fifa/ posts' to make him realise how similar we actually are. This seems like a deeply manipulative
thing however and I do not know if I am at comfort with harming the mind of my friend in this way

UTV Rorschach tests

I have problems with my mental state and have been told I should attempt some forms of basic
psychology in order to help cure my mental state. In order to help myself with this I have used UTV,
whom I trust with my everything, to try and help myself. I have therefore edited some ink blot tests
so that they feature UTV posts. This should help me view them and get through them. I will write
what I see.

I see two dogs Siamese, attached at the head and the tail and turned sideways. Perhaps this
represents how attached I feel to UTV and unable to escape his pull I am.

I see a Thanksgiving or Christmas Depressed Dodo from the top down. Perhaps this indicates the
feeling of celebration I get from UTV everytime I see one of his posts.

I see the Cloverfield Monster doing a handstand. Perhaps this represents the monster of my
depression being turned on its head by UTV and the feelings he provides me with

I see two a fabulous spaceship. This possibly represents how out there and free and vast UTV makes
me feel.

I see a Bat with a Horses head. This may represent UTV and the way he messes up animal filenames

Spreading good feeling using UTV's message

I have noticed in my rare trips to the outside world that many people are seemingly depressed. I am
too and believe it would be a good idea to spread good happiness across the world. I know one thing
that brings me happiness whenever I need it and that is UTV. Therefore, I am going to brainstorm
ideas for coming up with ways to make people blissful using UTV.

The Homeless

There are a good number of homeless individuals in and around the UK. I am considering going
around, and instead of handing them money, handing them UTV posts that include positive
messages. I am sure that the homeless will appreciate this, as they are generally unhappy and they
might be glad to receive some joy from a UTV post. I will eventually, if I can pluck up the courage,
walk around town and find homeless people and buskers and hand them UTV posts

*note. I attempted this today (The 4 th of September 2013). The man looked confused but didn't look
at the post I placed into the guitar case. I hope he enjoys it. The post in question is

□ UTV NeVsOC6Ws3sA BH 07/26/1 3(Fri)21 : 57:47 No.38080925 \w\ >>38080948

Watched Rambo earlier. Seen it before but it wasn’t until now that I realised just how much David Caruso looks like MeDoorn.

Which bought a smile to my face and will surely to the homeless mans.

Toilet Users

Whenever a public toilet is entered there are many messages scrawled along the walls. These
messages are usually very upsetting and abusive and often involve promises of sexual favours if a
phone call is made to a certain number. However, I think that by writing UTV posts on the walls of
toilets I could encourage positive behaviour from other people and cheer them up.

*note, I found some public toilets within town and completed this goal, sadly, my phone did not
have a battery and I couldn't take a picture. Maybe I will next time

Graffiti

On a similar note to the above I could write UTV posts in graffiti. This might be difficult as I do not
wish to break the law and am generally scared of the types who graffiti, but if I could make them as
passionate about UTV as I am then that could improve my relationship with them.

Why does UTV like Spiderman?

It is obvious from his various references to the series and usage of it as a part of his ruse cruise
itinerary that UTV is a huge fan of Spiderman. Its interesting because he doesn't seem as though he
is a massive superhero fan but his passion for spiderman continues to shine through. I wish to look
into some of the reasons why he is such a big fan of the caped crusader.

Peter Parker

UTV probably sees something of himself in Peter Parker. He is a slightly unusual man yet bitingly
witty and an inspiration. Spiderman is an inspiration to millions, UTV is an inspiration to me, but it
doesn't matter that much, whats important is that they both inspire and aspire to inspire. Peter
Parker also hides a personality from his friends and family because they wouldn't be able to handle
the truth about the hero he really is. I believe the same is true with UTV. If his family found out
about the brilliant man he is when on 4chan, they would never leave him alone. His father would try
to make love with his mother so he could spend time closer to UTV, and this would harm UTV's
personal life. The only real difference is that Spiderman IS Peter Parker, whereas Phil From Kent IS
UTV. His hidden persona is who he really is

Uncle Ben=Ron Atkinson?

UTV may well lack a father figure in his life. He has divorced parents and a step dad. I have a
somewhat similar scenario so can understand if UTV has decided he doesn't have a true father
figure. Obviously, UTV is mine. He has taught me many things. Self depreciation. Self respect. Pride
in ones work. If we ever met I am sure he would teach me to ride a bike, a skill I was never able to
pick up in my life. However, in his life he does not have a father figure who is particularly strong. I
think that former Aston Villa manager Ron Atkinson, whom UTV has expressed love towards, is the
closest to a true father figure that he has. Obviously he stopped managing Villa when UTV was only
young and UTV lost him. This mirrors Uncle Ben who dies when Spiderman was young. I think that
seeing Uncle Ben brings the joys of a father figure coming to UTV and makes him smile and laugh.

Villain Names

Of course its entirely possible that UTV likes spiderman because the stories share his passion for not
naming animals in the correct manner. Dr Octopus more closely resembles a spider. Spiderman
himself is more like a gecko. The 'Venom' symbiot behaves more like a tumour. All of these may
appeal to UTV and could well have inspired such classics as 'Pestered Platypus' and 'Flustered Fox'

The Bait Club

From September the 8 th 2013 I will be posting intentional posts that will likely lure UTV to respond. I
am doing this because I wish to learn more about the kind of message that UTV responds to in order
to aid me in learning about him. I will be editing these posts within the volumes of my archiving so
that it is not obvious what I am doing. I do not wish to 'troll' UTV I am merely attempting to learn
more about him so that I can improve our relationship. The name of this idea is a play on words.
'Bait' being the kind of post that lures others into posting, and 'The Bait' or 'Debate' referring to
what arouses from the posts I am going to make towards UTV.

□ Anonymous IHi 09/08/13{Sun)14: 09:56 No.39578247 M >>39578295

>tfw met McLeish today

He was lovely. Wish I’d taken a picture, what a handsome and talented man. I’ve won the CL on FM with his tips since

This post was met with this response

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA m 09/08/1 3(Sun)14: 12: 06 No.39578295 [▼]

>>39578247 (You)

I'm calling bullshit

This shows that UTV is likely to response to messages that aren't specifically targeted at him if they
mention subjects he is passionate about. This shows what a passionate and exciting young prospect
he is.

I have confirmed the above with this post

□ Anonymous Hi 09/08/1 3{Sun}15:29: 03 No. 39580236 \w] >>39580397

Why does Petrov need a charity match? Can't he pay for his own treatment?

Earning this response

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA iH 09/08/1 3|‘Sun) 1 5: 36: 14 No.39580397 [▼]
d5cf11. jpg (46 KB. 625x626) google iqdb

I will now stop attempting to 'bait' UTV with posts related to passionate subjects that aren't directed
to him specifically.

I then tried this

□ Anonymous Hi 09/09/13{Mon}00: 00:43 No.39616529 [▼] >:
>>39615206

What the shoot is a pertubed gorilla? Never heard of it.

And was met with this response

□ UTV !!eVsOC6Ws3sA SI 09/09/1 3fMon)00: 02:42 No.39615626 [▼]

(182 KB. 686x420) google igdb

>>35615520
>Lazio

What happened?

>>39615525 (You)

One of these

This confirms to me that UTV loves acknowledgement of his amusing jokes and pranks. He is the
ultimate prankster in many ways. I believe he has at least once shoved cling film down the toilet,
blocking it, as a prank. This is the classic cling film toilet prank. I enjoy seeing him happy and might
have to let him prank me to make him happy.

Perturbed Tiger VT

if Catholicville

>>373837

38048064

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thing is I haven't even posted him that often
Spanish GOAT.

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35:36 No 37505105 [*□ UTV !4 atn Vwsse6 m 07/05/1 3(Fri)22 s I 42 ffirt73838
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atnVwsse6 m 07/06/1 3(Sat)01 : 1 1 22 No 37388249

>>37272074

What a witty and original
comeback

The great UTV bank robbery

I have often wondered what UTV would do if he needed money and wished to rob a bank. Obviously
he would need help from his friends so I am going to discuss other /trb/ trips within this piece of
fiction. It is going to be a speculation on how UTV would choose to rob a bank.

Characters

Bent from Kent: The nickname of Phil from Kent or UTV. He works as the groups distractor, and its
swindler. He is world famous within the heist community for his clever ruses and intelligent
subterfuges. He was once able to steal £30,000 from a vault by telling the security team about a
group of black teenagers looking like they wanted to steal something, and when they rushed out to
attack them he stole from the vault. The security team was greeted by a set of Argentine men on
holiday. UTV walked off laughing about the joke he had made about the black population of
Argentina with sacks of money.

YerDemolition: The nickname of famous demolitions expert Yerdinner. He can make anything
explode. He is the joker of the group, always making witty and sarcastic observations and ribbing his
fellow team members to the amusement of the group. He often jokes about going to Holland when
it is time to lie low due to the geographical lowness of the country. He also makes hilarious UTV
related gags. For example when about to crack a bank he asks UTV how much is inside and when
told states 'not enough to afford Benetekel' as a callback to the joke they share about UTV
overrated Christian Benteke's value as a footballer

Wheelnius: The groups getaway driver. He is Lithuanian and his nickname is a clever pun combining
the word 'wheels' with the name of the Lithuanian capital 'Vilnius'. He is an excellent driver and can
escape from almost any situation but he can't escape from fate. (This will one day become a relevant
dramatic line, used when he is dramatically killed during a heist)

Didi Cent: The weapons expert of the group. So called because he has been shot 5 times during
heists and never died. He is also very handsome and attractive and often swoons female bank tellers
and has sexual intercourse with bankers so they will grant access to money. He carries a collection of
Liverpool football club themed condoms so that he never leaves semen at the scene of a crime. Or
should that be in the scene of WHINE! (because women whine a lot and he leaves semen in them)

Bank Layout

The Swindle

In their investigations the team have found out that the vault is not located within the bank. Instead
it is a wooden vault, located outside the bank along the back alley. It is here to trick any potential
robbers. The staff toilets have gigantic, thick metal doors so any robbers are expected to run into the
staff toilets assuming they are the vault. However, UTV and his team know otherwise. They need to
get into the back of the bank and reach the back door without raising suspicion. They can then break
into the wooden vault using Yerdinners explosive expertise and escape by walking out of the alley
into the highstreet with the money in bookbags so they look like school children on a trip. Yerdinner,
the tallest group member, will pose as a teacher. Morzikei will pose as a hairy teenage who has been
intentionally held back multiple years because he wanted to be in the same class as his younger
sister so he could look at her panties from behind her seat. UTV and Didi will also pose as children.
The group will then be able to walk out of the town without any issues and get into the car where
Morzikei will drop his fagade and they will drive off.

To get into the back of the bank UTV will walk into the bank with glasses and a cane, holding a snake
on a lead. The staff will then approach him telling him that only guard dogs are allowed. UTV will
insist it is a dog despite the fact it is not. Eventually the whole staff will come to try and convince him
otherwise and the rest of the team will sneak into the back dressed as bank staff. They will have the
uniforms because Didi slept with three of the banks female staff members then stole their uniforms
and took them home.

Kent Stool Chart

Type 3

Like UTV's relationship with MiB
Largely smooch with cracks on surface

Type 4

Long and thin like a Silly Snake
Smooth and soft

Type 5

Argentine family

Type 6

Like UTV's relationship with Grenville.
Soft centre with rough edges.

Type 7

Entirely Fluid

Much like the football Lamberts Villa play
Passing is easy like it is for Bentekkers

Videos

http://www.voutube.com/watch?v=4KWHCNBuDvg

http://www.voutube.com/watch?v=944rPD3kk-w

http://www.voutube.com/watch?v=rvEXiW7GNNg

http://www.voutube.com/watch?v=5hwmPEanCdM

Invention Ideas

UTV hater doormat

My first invention idea is a doormat with posts from UTV haters attached, so I can wipe my feet on
them when I enter and exit my home. The picture shows the initial schematic.

UTV belt

When I have to go out and miss UTV I always want to read some of his posts. This idea is a belt with
UTV posts attached that allows me to quickly pull off a UTV post at any time for my reading. They are
all responses to me and seem more personal and make me miss him less. I need to find a strong way
to attach posts to the belt I am using. I may use a stapler. I just hope the stapler doesn't try and
make the posts play an unusual formation!

Artistic representation of our first 200 threads as seen by
BBC livetext. This is a work in progress to be added to.

Celebration! UTV and his archiver reach 200 threads

Another incredible moment for UTV and his archiver as they hit the 200th
celebration. It is similar to the 100th, with a sharing of gifts, and everyone is
delighted

20th August y| ie atmQsphei-e j n /t r b/ is building, as UTV and his archiver approach 200
threads together.

7th August 201 3 Bonding Moment

UTV does not respond angrily when his archiver refers to him as a friend. The
joy is clear to see on his archivers face

29th August
2013

GET INVOLVED

Yousif Hameed via mobile on SI 111 : "UTV has got to sort out his level of
posting. I am a fan because I have uncles in Kent and he is preventing his
archiver from doing his job"

28th July 2013

NO! UTV post rate dropping

Problems for UTV s archiver, as UTV begins posting less. A cause of concern,
then, although you wouldn't expect this to last for long

Garth Crooks, BBC Sport

"UTV s archiver is very good for UTV. He creates collages of his posts for
reading. These posts are from Football Manager threads

21 st July 2013 Celebration! UTV and his archiver reach 100 threads

An incredible moment for UTV and his archiver as they exchange gifts for the
100th anniversary. UTV gives him a series of personal presents. The /trb/
thread is rocking!

8th July 2013

UTV has gradually grown into the state of accepting his archiver. He is
becoming more willing to converse with him

24th June 2013

UTV continues to get frustrated by his archivers persistance and loving touch.
He has reacted angrily on a few occassions. but his usage of humorous
filenames in response to him would make it seem as though he is ready to
stop attacking

16th June 2013

KICK-OFF- Initial Archiving

UTV looks confused. He doesn't seem to know how much his archiver cares for
him and assumes it is a joke

Erotikent

UTV's archiver sat on his chair on his laptop. Thunder erupted outside. He reflected for a moment,
surrounded by the sound of rain on the windows and the increasing volume of the computers whirr
as it struggled to load the 5000 by 5000 pixels image of a dog UTV had posted, or the 'Annoyed Big
Cat', as it has been titled. UTV's archiver was on his 700 th thread of archiving UTV's posts. He still
hadn't met UTV in real life, although by this point he was starting to wish he could. Months of
watching him from behind a screen had led him into temptation. He felt like a man who had spent
years looking through a telescope and now wanted nothing more than to visit the Moon. However,
he knew trying to visit with Phil would ruin his relationship with him, so he merely opened the image
of the 100 posts he had taken from their first 100 posts together and looked to it, longingly, but
satisfied that this was good enough for him. Suddenly, a great flash lit up the room and the roar of
thunder echoed from outside. UTV's archiver felt an electronic jolt shoot through the computer and
into his hand and was sent flying backwards, his head connecting with the wall and rendering him
knocked out.

When UTV's archiver came to, his vision was blurred, and his head still feeling heavy and shaken by
the force of its striking the wall. He eventually stood up and made his way back to his chair. But
before he could sit down, he noticed something in the corner of his eye. He looked to the right, and
saw a man. Average height. Handsome. He was wearing a strange jacket. It was then that UTV's
archiver noticed something. The jacket was made up of the posts that he had included in his
lOOforlOO collage, the one he was looking at before the accident. He then came to the
understanding of who he was looking at. He was looking at UTV, or, at least, a version of him,
created by the surge of energy through his laptop. UTV's archiver moved closer to the vision., the
UTV 'ghost'. He touched his skin, and was met with no reaction. The ghosts eyes followed his
actions. UTV's archiver was suddenly overcome with emotion. This may not actually be UTV, but it
was very close. It was close enough that it was like he had finally come into contact with UTV. He
was overcome not only by mental emotions, but by sexual emotions. He found himself becoming
aroused, and removed his penis from his trousers and began to masturbate to the visage of UTV that
stood in front of him. He closed his eyes and thought of all the posts he had archived waiting for this
moment. He has told people that he had no sexual feelings for UTV, and maybe at one stage he
didn't, but now, now he most certainly did. He pumped ever faster, the blood rushed to his penis like
he had so often rushed to his computer in the morning to ensure he did not miss any more UTV
posts than were strictly necessary. He pumped, and pumped, an just as he was about to come he
heard a voice mutter...

"Gutting the Gorilla". UTV's archiver almost jumped out of his seat, and opened his eyes. In front of
him he saw the UTV ghost. It opened its mouth again and said "Gutting the Gorilla". UTV's archiver
couldn't believe it, his UTV could speak! 'Hello UTV. I've been waiting for you my friend', came the
communication from his mouth. The ghost looked back at him. "Gutting the Gorilla", came the reply.
UTV's archiver was confused. He asked the ghost to say something else and the ghost looked back
and said "Grenvilles car bomb outside of a British army base.gif". UTV's archiver was confused but
then had a moment of realisation. He looked at the screen, and saw that the lOOforlOO collage was
still open. He then realised that the UTV ghost had been created from this, and could only speak in
quotes from that thread.

"Great" said the archiver. "I have a lifesized UTV action figure", he continued, showing the dry wit
and intelligence that he had learnt from following UTV and archiving his posts for so long. "Might as
well make the most of it", he thought to himself, looking at the body of the ghost in its firm,
handsome form. He felt his penis rising once again. He looked the ghost in its hautingly beautiful
eyes. He could see the twinkle that had so often disappeared from the real UTV during Aston Villa
games under McLeish. He opened his mouth and said "I'm going to pack more semen into you than
you packed posts into volume 180". The UTV ghost smiled, as he knew how many posts were in that
particular volume. He then opened his mouth and said "It amazes me how often players on this just
throw the ball to opposition players under absolutely no pressure." For his archiver, this was just as
good as consent. He stood up and began to remove the coat from the ghost of UTV. This was going
to be the greatest night of his life.

UTV's archiver began to peel the ghosts jacket off, revealing the slightly off colour skin beneath. He
began to tenderly kiss its nipples. "Keep me updated on your Paki Smashing, Finlandbro", moaned
the ghost, his sexuality seeping through within his voice. "Oh I'll keep you updated on my smashing.
Update one- Its just about to start", purred his archiver, as he pulled UTV down onto his ripening
penis and began to bounce him up and down. He noticed that the ghost was very light, perhaps as
he was mimicking UTV's posts, which tend to be light hearted and amusing. He began to pump inside
of him, and eventually, felt his penis begin to vibrate, before eventually shooting a mighty burst of
semen into the UTV ghost. The UTV ghost had a tremendous orgams, bellowing out ">Tunisian with
high technique/pasing/flair and low teamwork/mediocre workrate, Surprise surprise" as his eyes
rolled into his incredible magical ghostly head. UTV's archiver was briefly satisfied, like whenever he
reads a UTV post, but then had a sudden realisation of what he had done, like when the UTV post
turns out to be an impersonator. He had molested an innocent spectre without even knowing if he
had consent. Was the ghost even lucid? Was it safe to do what had just happened? He looked at the
ghost was fear in his eyes and mumbled "Is what we just did OK?". The ghost looked back at him and
said ">mfw a 17 year old is carrying my team".

UTV's archiver fell to his knees knowing he would never get an answer and screamed for forgiveness
from the real UTV.

jaFQpDkME 06/2fi/13(Wed)00:04 16 No 3700278

UTV Mini Golf Ideas

I have designed some holes for a UTV golf course to play in leisure time when I
can afford to build it. The theme of the course it the epic debate he had with
Grenville all the way back in threads 28 and 29. 1 fought this the best thing to use
as it has a consistent theme and a good narrative that can really add to the
golfing experience and ensure that this 'crazy golf actually make sense. The first
hole shows the gradual escalation in the debate which was about who started
the joke regarding UTV's height. It shows a couple of his posts getting angry with
Grenville.

The second hole is practically a straight shot. This is
because of the straight shooting UTV was doing in his
posts at the time. See 'fucking projecting manlet cunt
that's what you are'. This would be the second hole and
also one of the easiest as UTV was taking it easy on
Grenville at this point.

^leprechaun piece of

you potato fucking ass hating|
terrorist lo'^g ginger shit at footbal

□ UTV IMjaFQpDkME :3JS O6/26/13(Wed)00: 1S:58 r

^.--3700 3055 ^

One pi±i^dr1 an une llutsud Gr u-rivil ttiel

,4.1 fun. nil tin* HIJRR UTV A MirSl-T ' I- « ( n<:

kiaymay and he hasn't been able to prove otherwise.

1 /

The next hole would have multiple
holes showing the multiple chances
Grenville had to prove his point.
They come out on a side where UTV
is insulting Grenville as he was
unable to prove his points in the
debate and was thusly attacked by
UTV.

^ FQpM/E $ 06'2S'13>Ved|C1 CS 42 Ho MUB [»] >>37304434 >>3701445}

il the fiick did yau |jst luciting say about m you ittle cult'? Keep b«<ie;ng yotr dttasions but w both know Uuth - yoi‘» a pathetic lot wo'fiiless mante and ar (h«rall waste of oxygen Yorea
lei st wash opine bastard • yto re oil Wang talk. PjI your potatoes *tiere yen ktarg 1st meuf is anc go and tort sane embassy Because !m lelmg yon now, I would law to see that happen and ea : ;
lit he day he 3rtish any r w/ and Royal fuckng air tarce oonb you tiny idle count"/ into fa h ^wl come c«r to Wand myself anc lace a shit or the enamel lenains cf you fat shait cotpoe j

The final hole is the most important one and shows the most interesting part of the debate
where UTV truly emerged victorious. I think this hole would be a par 4 because of the 4
minutes I spent chuckling at UTV's brilliantly hilarious rantings. The flustered foxes are the first
part of the course because UTV was clearly flustered by Grenville when he made this post. He is
not usually so brash and unhinged but when he is I feel aroused watching it.

What has UTV learnt from each Villa manager in his lifetime

UTV is an Aston Villa supporter and it is fair to say that every Aston Villa manager he has
experienced has changed his life in one way or another, the same way that every villain Batman
encounters changes him, be it in a major way like Bane or a tiny, minor way like Calendar Man

Ron Atkinson

'Big Ron' was the first manager Villa had in UTV's life and would have been his exposure to Aston
Villa when he was a very young man. You cannot remember things from when you are very young. I
have no memory of my time as a baby and then a toddler. However, it is obvious things that
happened to me then have impacted on me for my entire life. My parents delight in telling the story
of how I would excrete onto the floor then try to sit on the excrement like an egg. This can be seen
now in my nurturing nature, I care for UTV like I cared for that faeces egg. Ron Atkinson was a strong
man, and a powerful individual. He had a slight mistrust of foreigners without being racist. He gave
UTV the strength he displays every single day and the winning spirit which he has. I also imagine his
often brash but charming style of speech was taken from Ron, as this stage of childhood is when you
learn language and how to communicate with other people.

Brian Little

Brian Little was the 2 nd manager of UTV's lifetime. He was manager between 1994 and 1998 and
was the last Villa manager to win the club a trophy with the league cup in the mid-90's. He took the
club over after they had slipped under Big Ron and he made the club better, returning it to a
respectable level. This showed UTV how to recover from being downbeat and sad. For example,
when he loses on Football Manager. If Brian Little had not managed Villa then UTV may have given
up on his football manager save long before I became fully aware of how much he means to me. I
thank Brian Little for that. It's a Little bit funny, this feeling inside ©

John Gregory

John Gregory had an often disappointing reign in his time at Villa. Finishing 6 th in the league after
being top at Christmas. Losing the FA Cup final to Chelsea. However, he was always able to cope with
disappointment and allowed UTV to learn how to cope with this. UTV's feeling of disappointment
after seeing his beloved side lose to Chelsea will be one of his clearest early memories and John
Gregories dignified reaction will have shown him how to learn to deal with issues of defeat in the
dignified and caring manner that he is always able to do.

Graham Taylor

Graham Taylor was the first true failure at Villa during UTV's time as UTV. He was already well liked
having succeeded in his first spell at the club and his second spell will have been disappointing.
However, he coped with the mocking that he was given from all corners of the media after his spell
with England. It is obvious that UTV has learnt to deal with mocking from observing Graham Taylor in
his second spell at Aston Villa. When UTV is being called 'short' or a 'racist little scumbag whose
entire reputation is based on his ability to act like a twat and make predictable, awful jokes that are
only accepted because he makes them every day and they become accepted like a spider you see so
often in the house that you enjoy the moments in appears', he is able to think of the Taylor is a
Turnip fiasco and laugh all of the jokes off.

David O'Leary

The lessons UTV learnt from O'Leary would have mainly been from the end of his career, when he
called the Villa fans fickle. Although UTV would have been enraged by this comment, when you
consider his nobility it is a ridiculous one to make, he would have also learnt his feistiness and
aggressive fighting nature from this. He knows how to battle and attack people as can be seen in his
various debates with the other posters within Football Manager threads. Thank you O'Leary for
allowing me to witness so many great debates courtesy of what you have taught UTV.

Martin O'Neill
Gerard Houllier
Alex McLeish
Paul Lambert

UTV Ransom Note

This is a ransom note made up from texts in UTV posts. If I were to ever kidnap him this is what I
would send. I may then discuss the scenario of where I would keep him, how I would maintain his
safety etc.

ViB have > our sor we require at least £40m to have him given back to

you

we <

are getting light on

cash . we

will

send y 0U

a piece of him for

That

Don’t get £4Qm

‘Eventually

we i

will

remove

his >Feet anc force

potatoes

then

send his

fat. short corpse

you .

every : wee ^

him to eat

£40m

This letter is sufficiently vague while threatening. Obviously an address isn't necessary as a mailing
address would be included in the letter to his parents.

I would keep him in my bathroom. This way he would be hidden and unable to make much noise. He
would also be able to see my naked body without feeling creeped out or like I am trying to make
sexual advances on him. I would not be making sexual advances but seeing my naked body would be
good for him to get to know who I am more. I would likely feed him meat and sandwiches and joke
about it being 'annoyed cat food' or 'simulated skunk meat' because this would calm him down and
make him feel at ease. Of course I would be bluffing and would never allow any harm to come to my
dearest treasure.

Protecting UTV

UTV is a very popular and well known member of the /sp/ community and has been for years. With
the recent spate of 'doxxing' I am becoming worried that one of these people will seek to actively
hunt down and bring harm to UTV. Because of this, I will now make plans for protection of UTV. A
private militia- or a private Philitia in this case- to keep UTV company. I will describe why they need
to protect him and where and possibly what sort of people would be in the Philitia to keep UTV safe

Why protect him?

UTV is a person who inspires real passion among 4chan and /trb/ posters. He can either inspire
incredible passion as he does in me or incredible hatred. If he is doxxed he will need protection from
those people who will attempt to harm him. Maybe they will attack him because they are angry they
are not was witty as he is. It is also worth protecting him so he can continue to post on /trb/. By
protecting him I would be protecting /trb/'s identity.

Where does he need protecting?

Everywhere. From his small but quaint home to the times when he is journeying to HMV to complain
that they sold him the movie 'Looney Tunes Back in Action' even though it didn't have Elmo in it

Philitia members

For the purposes of this task I have created a fake facebook account. I will be searching for people
on facebook who may well be willing to work and suitable for work within a private security group to
look after UTV. I will start off searching for a small number of people and will draft messages to be
sent to them should I have to come to UTV's protection.

About

To see what he shares with friends, send him a friend request.

+1 Add Friend

Work and education

Living

Eastern and Coastal Kent Community Services

Ward Manager

MAIDSTONE & TUNBRIDGE WELL NHS TRUST

Kent, Kent, United Kingdom

Current location

U niversity of Brig h ton u

School year 2DQQ ■ Honnef C_, "WF* Cran brook, Kent

Hometown

Angley

This is the first person I would contact to work as a security force member for UTV. The obvious
benefit it that he shares UTV's name. This means that he could be used as a body double- Any
attackers would see his name and mistake him for UTV allowing UTV to make a quick getaway.
Apart from that, he appears smart enough to handle himself while at the same time ensuring
that UTV's safety is not compromised but his main role would be body double.

Han Dai

Timeline About Photos Friends More ▼

X About

To see what they share with friends, send them a friend request.

+1 Add Friend

Living

Han Dai is from Kent too, a common theme amongst people I would recruit for a UTV protection
Philitia. He seems to be the very definition of mysterious- A foreign name. No profile picture and
very little information on his page. It is likely he has worked as a hitman before or at least
something like it. Han Dai also sounds like an alias. Maybe he drives a Hyundai and got the idea
from that. I think a cold dangerous person like this would be perfect for helping UTV protect
himself.

Tyrone Preudhomme

Timeline About Photos Friends More ▼

X About

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+1 Add Friend

Work and education

Parkinson Memorial Secondary School

Pine, Saint Michael, Barbados

Living

Kent, Kent, United Kingdom

Current location

A good security force is like a good seafood restaurant because you need to have some mussels
as well as no rats. Tyrone Preudhoome seems muscular and seems very respectable. His profile
image shows him with an orange drink juice and sun cream so it is fair to assume that he takes
care of himself very well, and would therefore be fully committed to taking care of UTV. He
would be powerful and dangerous and a key member of the team, if an expendable one. Giving
UTV a chance to make his classical light hearted racial banter would calm him down in a crisis.

Timeline

About

Photos

Friends

More ▼

X About

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+1 Add Friend

From his profile picture it seems as though Dan is someone wiling to wear any costume.
Obviously private security teams often have to dress up to outflusteredfox those who will
attempt to attack the person they are protecting. Having this type of person in the team is very
important though this man would be lowest priority of these initial six, I imagine he would be the
cheapest

X About

To see what he shares with friends, send him a friend request.

+1 Add Friend

Work and education Living

faraday second ry modem

School year 1969

The final member of the initial 6. This man would be the 'Mr White' of the group, the elder
experienced member who has been there and done that. He would be able to lead the group
when UTV is not around and ensure that he is fully protected. It is clear from his profile picture
that he has accomplished all he wants and is happy to die for a special cause like UTV

What UTV said before he took me onto his ruse cruise

Planning UTV City

Buildings

Al-Sheik Mibby Hotel (1 ring at top, 4 towers poking through)

Bank of Benteke (40 million held at all times)

Morzikei Hospital (Fedora on building, Injested Period Blood ward)

Dinglefritz and Minifridge International Airport (helicopters only hate wings)

UTV Volumes National Archive

The Kentagon

YerDoner Kebabs

Motorway with Panama Crossing

Grenville destroyed memorial statue

Jommo Prison

No Crack Shopping Centre

LE EPIC MAY MAY FAIR CIGARETTES STUNT GROWTH YOULL BE LIKE UTV LE EPIC
Areas

Miles High Skyscrapers Financial District (generic skyscrapers, Statue, Bank, archive, Town Hall)
Northern Grenville (Hotel, big houses)

Republic of Grenville (poverty houses, Prison, Kebabs, Police Station, Fire Station)

Ruse Cruise Harbour (Cruise ship)

McShit would have taken us Down-town (Shopping Centre, Kentagon, Stadium, Airport, Midtier
Houses, Hospital, Church, Cinema)

To do

Al-Sheik Mibby Hotel (1 ring at top, 4 towers poking through)

Bank of Benteke (40 million held at all times)

Dinglefritz and Minifridge International Airport (helicopters only hate wings)

UTV Volumes National Archive

YerDoner Kebabs

Motorway with Panama Crossing

No Crack Shopping Centre

Cruise Ship

Stadium

University

0 / 000 ^

fi ^ 0 P % 4

<#/ 00001^^^*0 a

focionQnwnttf

%mn 9 0^

1 1
1 1
1 1
1 1
1 1

\ 1
\i

How UTV and I came to pair up
in the form of a dating website

^ Matches

Messages 1

ii Visitors
^ Quickmatch

Online now!

Ethnicity

White

Height

6' 0* (1.83m).

Body Type

Athletic

Diet

Mostly anything

Smokes

Drinks

Not at all

Drugs

Never

Religion

Christianity and somewhat
serious about it

Hello. I am an archiver looking for someone to spend my life with. I saw your profile and thought you are
the most beautiful tripfag I have ever seen. I would like archive your posts. I know I have only just met
you but I think it is fair to say that I am already feeling love.

Fuck off you fucking sad cunt

Please give me a chance. I am aware that 'pick up lines' are popular on these websites so I will show you
some.

If I wrote the dictionary I would put U,T,V, and lastly, I, together
If your posts were written in binary then I would still archive every 1

You must be Barney Rubble and I must like gay Flintstones porn because I am excited whenever I see
you in thread

Fuck off, I don't want to be archived by you, fucking sad cunt

Trust me, this is the best relationship you could ever wish for. I have never felt this way about anyone
before and I know how dedicated I am to you, you are my wish and my only realistic goal in life.

If you give me just one chance I will show you what you mean to me. I will archive every post you make
and you will know what it means to have somebody who cares about you more than anything in the entire
world.

OK, one chance. If you mess this up I will hate you forever. I will also call you a sad cunt, I am ashamed of
you and don't want anyone knowing that we are not happy together even though we clearly are and I will
pretend to hate you long after I have fallen for you.

Thank you you will not regreat this. I know I typed regreat because you won't regret this and it will be
great

Daily Post counts *starting 1 st July

1 st July- 32
2 nd July- 72
3 rd July- 72
4 th July- 57
5 th July- 27
6 th July- 51
7 th July- 27
8 th July- 59
9 th July- 66
10 th July- 64
11 th July- 61
12 th July- 60
13 th July- 48
14 th July- 42
15 th July- 47
16 th July- 55
17 th July- 47
18 th July- 45
19 th July- 51
20 th July- 47
21 st July- 85
22 nd July- 70
23 rd July- 57
24 th July- 6
25 th July- 76
26 th July- 27
27 th July- 8
28 th July- 7
29 th July- 27
30 th July- 26
31 st July- 53

Monthly Total- 1472 posts

1 st August- 19
2 nd August- 27
3 rd August- 19
4 th August- 72
5 th August- 27
6 th August- 0
7 th August- 14
8 th August- 26
9 th August- 74
10 th August- 43
11 th August- 42
12 th August- 53
13 th August- 9
14 th August- 83
15 th August- 21
16 th August- 53
17 th August- 81
18 th August- 58
19 th August- 61
20 th August- 48
21 st August- 78
22 nd August- 77
23 rd August- 31
24 th August- 20
25 th August- 29
26 th August- 59
27 th August- 35
28 th August- 46
29 th August- 50
30 th August- 67
31 st August- 36

Monthly total- 1358

1 st September- 67
2 nd September- 36
3 rd September- 22
4 th September- 26
5 th September- 58
6 th September- 19
7 th September- 50
8 th September- 45
9 th September- 27
10 th September- 39
11 th September- 31
12 th September- 30
13 th September- 32
14 th September- 35
15 th September- 4
16 th September- 21
17 th September- 4
18 th September- 0
19 th September- 0
20 th September- 2
21 st September- 15
22 nd September- 9
23 rd September- 14
24 th September- 0
25 th September- 4
26 th September- 1
27 th September- 0
28 th September- 17
29 th September- 21
30 th September- 19

Monthly Total- 648

October 1 st - 14
October 2 nd -31
October 3 rd - 7
October 4 th - 0
October 5 th - 0

The UTV filename rundown

We all know UTV loves his filenames, so I've decided to create a list of every filename he has used
since I began my relationship with him. I will include information on whether the filename is a trick
or not. I won't include screenshot filenames. Current as of 7 th September 2013

_69336182_aditya_garg[l].jpg (trick, is two Indian Arsenal fans)

0„10265~12017055,00[l].jpg (trick, is Andi Weimman)

0„10265~12088150,00[l].jpg (trick, is a Villa shirt)

00473-06209_l[l].jpg (trick, is a Polar Bear)

1296263655240.gif (trick, is a clip from an Ainsley Harriot music video)

1302989142478.jpg (trick, is a man in an afro)

1303738573336.jpg (trick, is Tom Hanks)

1318168081798.gif (trick, is Ralph Wiggum)

1327279258117.jpg (trick, is an angry dog)

1331550819038.jpg (trick, is Homer Simpson)

1335905152404.gif (trick, is a man laughing not a number)

1336592794935. png (trick, is RDM)

1337544835410.jpg (trick, is a drawn concerned face)

1342947446491.jpg (trick, is Ashley Cole)

1343413013796.jpg (trick, is Alison Brie)

1344178513989.jpg (trick, is a cartoon of an Irish man attention seeking)

1345656871659.jpg (trick, is an image from Deus Ex)

1351728329427.jpg (trick, is a photoshopped Christian Benteke stroking the head of a Manchester
United player, I wish UTV would stroke me)

1351728329427.jpg (trick, is Cheikh Tiote caressing Phil Jones)

1356890683421(3]. png (trick, is a man admitting that he was coaxing someone into a snafu)
1357166474749.jpg (trick, is an image of Lebron James)

1360973459845.gif (trick, is a videogame alien talking like a British youth)

1363201064641.gif (trick, is one of the muppets)

1363453101355.gif (trick, is Villa fans)

1363546039565. png (trick, is Bart Simpson)

1364083349698.jpg (trick, is a frowning man)

1367673111618.png (trick, is Harry Redknapp)

1371248193071.gif (trick, its actually Kermit not a large number)

1371423545562.gif (trick, is a dog in its cage)

1376304701211.jpg (trick, is a man in a Fedora)

1378494586722.gif (trick, is footage of a man from a videogame walking and being struck by a
flying car)

1379108694534.gif (trick, is Ainsley Harriot)

1982.jpg (treat)

22639_Karen_Gillan_Shortlist_MHKl_122_93lo,jpg (treat)

235525235.jpg (trick, is Arsene Wenger)

356364636.jpg (trick, is a concerned football fan)

4363636.jpg (trick, is Arsene Wenger)

45646.jpg (trick, is Roberto Di Matteo)

500px Map_of_Asia[l].png (treat)

5474.jpg (trick, is an image of the Aston Villa squad with names blacked out)

547447433.jpg (trick, is Arsene Wenger)

54745.jpg (trick, is Jimmy Saville. Unless each number represents the age of one of his lovers)
65.jpg (trick, is a FF screenshot)

6678354_villa_pa.jpg (treat)

6678534 villa pa.jpg (treat)

6910[l].jpg (trick, is a character from Grand Theft Auto San Andreas)

798.jpg (trick, is a response to one of my posts)

9080979867879.jpg (trick, is Alan Shearer)

934568.jpg (trick, is Arsene Wenger)

9522dl349395046-fancy-ak-47-gay_Fabulous[l].jpg (treat)

97889789.jpg (trick, is a preacher)

98789789080.jpg (trick, is a football fan)

Absolutely Disgusting.jpg (treat)

Morgan Freeman as Apollo.jpg (trick, is Sam Jackson)

Adebayo Akinfenwa.gif (trick, it's an unidentified black child)

Alan Rickman.jpg (trick, is Mark Lawrenson)

Andreas GOATman.jpg (treat)

Andreas Weimman laughs while number 20 Luna watches on.jpg (trick, is a different set of
players)

Annoyed Austrian.jpg (treat, is Hans Gruber, who is Austrian and appears annoyed)

Annoyed Cat.png (trick, is a happy dog)

Aragorn Dissaproves.gif (trick, is a different LOTR character)

Artekkers.jpg (trick, refers to an ex trip of Asian origin. Man in image is white Arsenal fan)

Aston Villa 08.12.12 005.jpg (treat, is an image of Aston Villa)

Aston Villa 25.01.13 020.jpg (treat)

Atheist[l].jpg (treat)

AVFC.jpg (treat)

Avram Grant.jpg (treat)

Bart Simpson has had enough of your bullshit.gif (trick, is Bobby Hill)

Belgrano-sinking[l].jpg (treat)

Benkete-3502.jpg (treat)

Bentekkers approves this message.jpg (treat)

Berustled Bear.jpg (trick, is the same happy dog from other pictures with a mirror in the middle)
Big Brad.j’pg (treat)

Black Reaction.jpg (treat)

BNCTxNTCQAANnvT[l].jpg (trick, is Newcastle players)

Bob Dole.jpg (trick, is some other political figure)

Bothered Badger.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Brad Guzan and Ciaran Clark.jpg (trick, is men from television show)

Brad-Guzan[l].jpg (treat)

Brooklyn Beckham.jpg (trick, is Romeo Beckham)

Buenos Aires reacts to Argentinas world cup win.jpg (trick, photo is from South Africa 2010,
Argentina failed to win this tournament)

Charles+N+Zogbia+T4hfM7YjMSBm[l].jpg (treat)

Chewbacca.jpg (trick, is Yoda)

Chinese Soldiers eat pizza while trying to invade Jamaica.jpg (trick, are American soldiers eating
what appears to be rations. Jamaica were not part of that war)

Oh you dog owner.jpg (treat)

Christian Benteke and Paul Lambert at Bodymore Heath.jpg (treat)

Christian Benteke eats a hotdog.gif (trick, is a man who seems to play Basketball eating
unidentified food)

Christian Benteke on opposing defences.jpg (trick, is actually a man in the Congo describing his
urge for sexual assault)

Christian Benteke poses with the new Aston Villa away shirt.jpg (trick, is the home shirt)

Combine Advisor (trick, is a dog in a sock)

Computer out the window.jpg (treat)

Content Chinaman.gif (trick, is Hideo Kojima, a Japanese national. He is also smiling which
indicates happiness though he could well be content too)

Cool l.jpg (treat)

d5a7fe889081ad91346451a645875efa [l].jpg (trick, is Miles Jacobson)
d5c[l].jpg (trick, is a picture offish being offered bait)

Darren Bent l.jpg (treat)

Darren Bent 2.jpg (trick, is a black man from a TV show)

Darren Bent reacts to being benched.gif (trick, is a black man from a TV show)

Darth Maul.jpg (trick, is the Emperor)

David Dimblebey 1 (trick, is another man in a suit)

Didier Drogba and Florent Malouda.jpg (trick, is anonymous black men handling guns)

Dunga.jpg (trick, is Phil Scolari)

Dunne when KFC had to close because he ate all the food.jpg (trick, it is Dunne but on a pitch, it is
unlikely that he would find out about KFC closing during the game, the manager would not tell him
as it would be distracting)

Elegant Bookshelf.jpg (trick, is a table which I do not find fashionable)

Flustered Fox.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Forest Whittaker as Idi Amin in The Last King of Wales.jpg (trick, is Christian Benteke, the movie
title is incorrect)
gabeuse[l].jpg (treat)

Gabriel%20Agbonlahor[l].jpg (treat)

Gavin Ngog gives his best interpretation of Hamlet.jpg (trick, is Jores Okore holding a football.
Unlikely he would start to act out an Old English play during a photography session)

Gerard Houllier and Avram Grant.jpg (trick, is Paul Lambert and Jose Mourinho)

Gerard Houllier.png (trick, is Paul Lambert)

Giovanni Approves.jpg (trick, its actually a random Mexican fan)

Grenville talks about Anglo-Irish relations.jpg (trick, is a screaming child)

Groundskeeper Willie.jpg (trick, is Ned Flanders)

Gustav Graves plays backgammon.jpg (trick, is someone else playing poker)

Guyincognito[l].jpg (treat)

Hans Gruber.gif (trick, is a different movie character whom I don't recognise)

Hermann Goring.jpg (trick, I don't think that is a real person)

Homer l.png (treat)

Homer 3.gif (treat)

Homer Glasses.jpg (treat)

How Horrifying.jpg (treat)

Howard Webb Select XII (2) v Liverpool (1) - 21-03-10 - Commentary & Post Match
Handwringing_1269186062270.jpg (treat)
hqdefault[l].jpg (trick, is a man in bed)

I must go, a 21 year old winger from some obscure country needs me to sign him (unknown, image
of Lambert jumping upwards but I do not know his reason for leaving. It is more likely he is
celebrating a goal than using supernatural properties to take off)

I run this shit.jpg (treat)

Infuriated Giraffe.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Irate lguana.jpg (trick, is a Gorilla with the face of a happy dog)
lreland_violence_optllj.jpg (treat)

Jores Okore disapproves.gif (trick, is a different black male)

Karim+EI+Ahmadi+Aston+Villa+v+Malaga+pre+season+IFGYMt61WAQI[l].jpg (trick, is a shot from
a Harry Potter film)

Kaz shits himself when someone makes an FM related post.jpg (trick, it is not Kaz, it is Otacon
from MGS)

Kermits Face When An American Was Fat Near Him.jpg (unknown, is Kermits face, American may
be out of picture)

I0„10265~11154093,00.jpg (trick, is Paul Lambert)

I0„10265~11230747,00.jpg (trick, is concerned Villa fans)

Lambert.png (treat)

Larg.jpg (trick, is Christian Benteke)

Laughing politicians from the Democrat party.jpg (treat)

Liverpool conspiracy.jpg (treat)

Liverpool Delusion l.jpg (treat)

Liverpool Delusion 2.jpg (treat)

Liverpool Delusion 3.jpg (treat)

Maggie and Ronnie.jpg (treat)

Man who ate himself to death.jpg (unknown, I do not recognise the image)

Manish Bhasin prepares to blow up the Danish embassy in London (trick, it is Manish Bhasin but
he appears to be presenting the football league show rather than committing an act of terror)
Manish.jpg (treat)

Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.png (treat)

Marge.jpg (treat)

Marouane Fellaini.jpg (trick, is a black male with an afro)

Matej Vydra.jpg (trick, is another black man)

Maude Flanders.jpg (trick, is Helen Lovejoy)

McLies.jpg (trick, is Alex McLeish. This may have been intentional due to UTV's dislike for him)

Me meeting John Gregory.jpg (trick, is actually Christian Benteke with the happy dogs face
photoshopped on meeting Paul Lambert)

Mercenaries.jpg (treat)

MiB protests at the Etihad Stadium for allowing Jews to support Man City.jpg (trick, is an image of
a 'God hates fags protester' photoshopped expertly to be wearing a City shirt. Could be MiB but
unlikely he has joined one of these protests)

Mick McCarthy.gif (trick, is a character from Sesame Street)

Mick McCarthy.jpg (trick, is a female with great resemblance to Mick)

Miles-jacobson.jpg (treat)

MON 4.jpg (treat)

Morgan Freeman as Zeus.jpg (trick, is a different black actor)

Ned Flanders with a bowl of soup.jpg (trick, is Homer Simpson with a sandwich)

Nelson Mandela gives a speech at the Houses of Parliament (trick, is Martin Luther King with a
'that feel' man superimposed over his head giving a speech in Washington)

Nobody Cares.png (treat)

nvryf[l].gif (trick, is a Christian Benteke gif)

Octopus crawls into its tank with a scarf over its head.gif (trick, is a dog climbing into its cage)
OG.gif (treat)

P4211780.jpg (trick, is a football stadium)

Papiss Cisse.jpg (trick, is Alan Shearer)

Pats Guy.jpg (trick, is a fan of Jags)

Paul Lambert and Eric Lichaj.jpg (trick, is men from a TV show)

Paul Lambert and Tom Hanks compel you to check their dubs.jpg (unknown, image shows the men
mentioned but whether they are actually aware of 'dubs' is up for debate)

Paul Lambert savours yet another victory.png (trick, is a man from a TV show, also Villa never win)
pbe[l].jpg (trick, is an Argentine man)

Pertubed Gorilla.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Pertubed Tiger Woods.gif (trick, is a different golfer)

Pestered Platypus.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Plane crash.gif (trick, is a car crash)

Raiden.jpg (trick, is Otacon)

Heskey gonna Hesk.jpg (treat)

Revolver Ocelot.jpg (trick, is Solid Snake)

Romeo Beckham in 10 years time.jpg (trick. Is a man in a Fedora with an atheist quote. Unless UTV
has access to a time machine and David Beckham loses all of his money somehow, say, a
handsome tax is introduced, then it is unlikely Romeo will become scraggled and obese)

Ron Vlaar watching TV.jpg (trick, is a different player using a laptop)

Russian-guy-dancing-otlj.gif (treat)
s_fren_fr_00710_16x9.jpg (trick, is a man in a duffel coat)

Sam Alladyce giving an interview to BBC Sport from the passenger seat of his Jeap.jpg (trick, is
Harry Redknapp giving an interview to sky from the drivers seat of his land rover)

Sgt Al Powell and John McLane.jpg (trick, is two men I don't recognise)

Shaun Maloney.jpg (trick, is an unsourced ginger man)

Shaun-Wright Phillips eating dinner.jpg (trick, is a black child eating cereal, cereal is not dinner)
Smileymoney[l].gif (treat)

Sol Campbell.jpg (trick, is a large black female)

Solid Snake.jpg (trick, is Old Snake)

Solidus.png (trick, its Solid Snake)

Starving Wolf.jpg (trick, is a full dog)

Stephen Ireland eats a bowl of potatoes (trick, is a bald man eating cereal)

Steve Clarke l.jpg (treat)

Steve Clarke.jpg (treat)

Stimulated Skunk.jpg (trick, is a happy dog)

Stop l.jpg (treat)

Stop.jpg (treat)

Tekkers and Gabby.jpg (treat)

Holloway.jpg (treat)

Terry Connor and Mick McCarthy.jpg (trick, is Apu and Principal Skinner)

The Fury.jpg (trick, is a different member of the patriots)

The moment Mancini lost hisjob.jpg (trick, is highly unlikely he lost his job on the touchline, he
would have had a formal meeting. Image does not show this)

Tiger in a jungle.jpg (trick, is a Polar Bear in the Arctic)

Tom Jones.jpg (trick, is some other man. Possible a singer, I don't know, I had to google Tom Jones
to be sure it wasn't him)

Treebeardatlsengard[l].png (treat)

Useless ginger cunt.jpg (trick, is an image of McLeish, who while bad at management is not useless
as shown by Birminghams carling cup win)
vlcsnap-2013-03-01-18h28m58sl42.png (treat)

Waynes-World-get-a-load-of-this-guy-cam.jpg (treat)

Wenger Dissappointed.jpg (treat)

What+it+means[l].jpg (treat)

White Man Walking His Dog.jpg (trick, it's a black man walking another animal)

Why Hard.jpg (treat)

Wut.png (treat)

Xabi Alonso.jpg (trick, is a man from a movie)

Xavi.jpg (trick, is Pirlo)

Yacouba Sylla.png (treat)

Daily UTV Diary

I am starting this on the 18 th of August to discuss my feelings on the days UTV posts and give a
general review of the day

18 th August 2013

Today was the second day of the opening Premiership season so naturally a large number of UTV's
posts were about that, including the Tottenham vs Crystal Palace and Chelsea vs Hull games, two I
also watched. He complained about some things, like Ian Holloway, but was happy about other
things like Chelsea winning as he placed money on them. I hope he buys himself something which he
can enjoy with the money he has earned as he deserves it. My main thoughts today are of concern
however, I do not want him to leave because my world revolves around him but he admitted that he
isn't currently playing a save on Football Manager. The imminent release of 14 should mean that he
doesn't leave for too long even if he does decide to leave, however, I will be worried if he decides to
leave for any amount of time. I could not cope without him by my side. I will keep an eye on the
situation, and I am desperate for him to stay.

19 th August 2013

Today was a day that both doused and enflamed my fears about a potential loss of UTV. He made
some classical UTV posts, arguing with Manchester is Blue and debating about many football related
topics- His posts expressing his distaste for Manchester City were especially fiery and reminded me
of the UTV I remember from when he used to attack and mock Alex McLeish on a near daily basis. It
was great to see him so passionate after his recent problems, it was like the time my elderly
neighbour was prescribed painkillers and became much more welcoming and caring towards me.
However, despite this, some of his attacks on MiB made me think even further that he was
attempting to fill the Grenville shaped hole in his heart. MiB does not have the passion and edge
that Grenville has, and that UTV needs to form a proper 'BFFF' (best flustered foxes forever')
relationship. I can only hope that UTV sticks around until his old friend returns or until he finds a
suitable replacement for him. I don't want to become the next Grenville in his absence but if it
means retaining the services of my good friend UTV I will.

20 th August 2013

A brief return of Grenville in the early hours made UTV perk up slightly. He then started discussing
me in a joking fashion (I wish he would fuck off!), which was nice for me and something I enjoyed.
Over the rest of the day he and Grenville had classical 'discussional banter' and it was great to read.
Grenville would seem to be back which is great for UTV as it gives him his focus back, and while he
has been interesting throughout his life, he is now just as interesting as he can be and I am very
happy about it. Overall, it feels like a very good day for UTV within /trb/ and I can only say I am very
optimistic for the future

21 st August 2013

Today was a day. 4chan was down for a couple of hours which meant we were separated for a brief
time, however, it was no worse than when I have to leave the house for any reason and at least the
thread remained open and I was able to read previous UTV posts in order to feel as though he had
not gone anywhere, I was like a dog in a house with the radio left on. Thread 180, appropriately, hit
the bullseye, or should that be Cultured Cattleseye?!, with an incredible number of posts from UTV.

This may have been due to the fact Aston Villa played Chelsea during the thread and allowed UTV to
show his passion and full emotional prism. I had an incredible time reading and archiving this thread
and hope for many more like it, both in the near and distant future. It was one of the best threads in
recent weeks. Earlier in the day in a discussion with Grenville, UTV had revealed some personal
information about his familial life. This was a fantastic read and incredible exciting for me, and
ensures that I will now feel closer to him every time he posts.

22 nd August 2013

Today carried along on much the same vein as the 21 st . UTV was witty, argumentative, and
intelligent all at once. There wasn't quite a thread to match the 180 th but 183 was fantastic, and
there were a good number of long UTV posts to give me something to read now and forever. He
made many valid points about the abilities and value of Christian Benteke, many of which I agreed
with as I always do when UTV makes his points as they are pretty much certain to be intelligent and
correct. One anon attempted to give UTV sass about his hilarious ability to attribute the wrong
nouns to things but he ignored the snows of doubt and ploughed on as he always does, and I am
becoming increasingly certain with each and every passing day that UTV is not going to leave. As we
get closer to 14 being released, UTV is less likely to leave. (Ironic really as when I was getting closer
to the age of 14 my friends all became closer to leaving for reasons I still do not understand.) I look
onwards to tomorrow with great anticipation.

23 rd August 2013

The majority of UTV's posts today came within thread number 183. It was a good, pleasurable
thread in which UTV stated that he is attending Aston Villa vs Liverpool. I hope that they win and
make him happy so that he is in a good mood when he returns and gives me some good stuff to
archive. I will report back tomorrow hopefully with good news in this regard

24 th August 2013

Today UTV didn't post until very late in the day. I would usually be concerned by this, however, I am
well informed by social networking that a good night out is usually followed by a late arrival home. If
the same can be applied to football match visits then I must assume that UTV had a good time, even
if his team was beaten by Liverpool. I don't think I could see him in the crowd when watching the
game. I was initially annoyed with Sky for not finding him in the crowd until it occurred to me that
UTV is not as important to real world people as he is to myself. Tomorrow should be another good
day

25 th August 2013

UTV did not make a large number of posts today, he may well have been enjoying a lazy Sunday, as a
large group of people typically enjoy doing. He may have enjoyed a delicious Sunday Dinner with his
step father, who deserves credit for raising such a lovely and kind child. He seemed relaxed and
happy when he did post and this next week should be very good for us

26 th August 2013

UTV was very entertaining today. Something I have not previously mentioned in this game is that
when I am watching football matches, I enjoy reading UTV's posts, both about the game and
whatever else. It makes me feel like I have a 'friend' to watch the game with, and although I do not
interact with him myself during the game, just seeing his opinions and witty jokes (Today he made a
wonderful quip about Lampard being unable to make himself bigger) make even a 0-0 game like
today feel like a 4-4 draw and that is exactly what happened. I look forward to watching many more
games alongside UTV. Today I also did something I have never done before, and sexually pleasured
myself to a UTV thread. This is not something I am proud of but I may do it again

27 th August 2013

Tomorrow is an exciting day

28 th August 2013

What a wonderful day today was! UTV and I celebrated our 200 th anniversary. He took the flustered
fox for a walk with me. We held hands and kissed under the moonlit afternoon sky. He then cooked
me a delicious dinner and bought me some gifts. His most romantic gift to me was a hand written
love letter. It made me so joyous and happy. I felt tears coming into my eyes. I could barely muster
the strength to post it onto /sp/ but I think everyone who read it appreciated what UTV and I have
together. His posts were fantastic as always. He showed a coldness but at the same time showed a
warmness, and the two types of air coming together causes a storm of wonderful posts, hilarious
musings and general wisdom and intelligence, but nothing more than I have come to expect from my
UTV. This relationship will last forever

29 th August 2013

Today was another excellent day for UTV. He didn't discuss football manager a great amount but
this didn't matter as he made series of excellent off topic posts. He made direct contact with me on
a couple of occasions, playfully telling me to leave him alone in the same way a girl being tickled tells
her boyfriend to stop even though she is thoroughly enjoying the tickling which she is receiving. UTV
loves being tickled all over by my spindly far reaching fingers and his giggle is making me smile
whenever I hear it.

30 th August 2013

Today was a wonderful day for UTV, even if the daily football ensured it did not pass at an especially
rapid rate. He made astute football predictions, and once again made a big difference to the thread,
adding quality, intelligence, and a cheeky humour. He called me a sad cunt, I can only assume it was
yet another UTV ruse as whenever I read his posts I am very happy, not sad! Sadly I am moving so
this is likely to be the last entry in this diary for a week, maybe two. I have printed some of my
favourite UTV posts and glued them to a teddy bear so that I have something to remember him by
and have written some UTV quotes and stuck them to toilet paper. I will see what happens with this
situation in the coming days.

1 st September 2013

Today I learnt I can continue my work uninterrupted and without any major issues or problems. This
was good as it was an especially exciting day for UTV, as though spurred on by the poor football
matches on offer he seeked to entertain the entire /trb/ thread by himself, and he largely
succeeded, completely unsurprising as his stage presence and general love of his public mean that
he will always be able to make people smile, react and laugh. He is like a 24/7 movie cinema but the
movies he shows never repeat. Some of his best posts today were witty, and self parodixical, such as
claiming Benteke is better than Pele and worth 100 million. These are quite humourous as they show
he is unafraid to laugh at his own daring opinions. You would never see Charlie Nicholas jokingly
suggest that Steven Gerrard is better than Pele and that is what makes UTV special

2 nd September 2013

Today was the always exciting transfer deadline day, and UTV was at his absolute best in providing
the sort of funny commentary we have all become used to from him. He made many very funny
comments, including one where he stated that a non-playable league for teams in FM would be
called 'The Lehman Brothers Premier League', which is of course mocking the global financial crisis in
a way that UTV would only be able to do. He is amazingly funny and also implied that the Emirates
had relocated to Argentina due to the large number of black youths waiting outside during the cut
on sky sports news to the stadium. Overall he thoroughly improved an already exciting deadline day
and made it even more worthwhile for me

3 rd September 2013

Today was another slow day, presumably due to the time until FM14 comes out combined with
September being the month for people starting University again meaning they have less time for FM
and would rather wait for 14 before continuing. This meant that UTV made only a few posts,
however, with UTV posts, as with female clothing, less can sometimes be more appealing, and today
we saw UTV in a very tight bikini top with nice panties. He made a couple of very amusing posts
including one where he called MLK Nelson Mandela, and one where he used the Argentina is black
joke to his comedic advantage. He also debated well the merits of FIFA and the way in which the
game rates players. It was a short but enjoyable day

4 th September 2013

Today was another slow day for much the same reasons has yesterday however, I was still able to
enjoy it amazingly. He destroyed a United fan, in Alan Diz Dzag, and made two fantastically long
posts that were a pleasure to archive. Today I had a wonderful day archiving as the posts fit together
in a wonderful, almost joyous fashion. It was one of the most appealing fits I have ever seen on a
single archive and I have been feeling good about the way it clipped together all day

5 th September 2013

Today was another fantastic day and continued the trend of slower days. However, thread 216, the
main thread of the day, was fantastic for UTV. He made a great number and variety of posts that
varied hugely in length and intensity that kept me reading. I am reading back over the thread now
and still have a smile which beams from ear to ear. He made a hilarious gag about how an American
FM player should ask for an increased Roster Improvement fund, which works comically as it relies
on the difference in terminology between Americans and Brits when it comes to football despite the
fact the two countries share a language. The same American was also playing a game that referred
to wage as 'payroll' and therefore the background of the joke was increasingly funny. This was
certainly one of the best threads in many days I will attempt to encourage UTV to post more,
perhaps by using Grenvilles personality traits to draw him into posting.

6 th September 2013

Today was a nice comfortable day. There was an England game, against Moldova, and UTV spent the
majority of his posts discussing this. He made his distaste for Roy Hodgson very clear and got angry
about Paul Lambert receiving a fine from the FA. I do not enjoy when he gets that angry, it makes me
quite upset. A combination of the fact I care deeply for him and do not want to see him upset and
the fact that UTV can be scary when he is angry. His wit, combined with his forcefulness and his
cunning yet unsubtle vocabulary allows him to really hurt with words which is something that
nobody wishes to see, especially not someone with a care as deep for UTV as the one I possess.

7 th September 2013

Thread 221 was the main thread today and it was fantastic and marvellous. If I were to compare it to
a summers day, then it would be one of those days where I stay indoors but don't feel sad. So
exactly the same as every other day but better. The reason it was so good was simple- UTV enjoyed
some 'banter' with me. He responded to my posting of the filename rundown by saying 'some other
political figure? Don't you recognise Al Gore?' UTV mocking me like this was marvellous and made
me feel very included as a member of his immediate social group and indeed his family. Apart from
this, he was simply an incredible delight to behold during the day. I would describe him as 'on form'.
If he were a FM regen my backroom staff would be rushing to tell me to praise him for his form, his
last 5 games averaging a rating of 8.10. He entertainingly suggested that Miles voice all press
conferences on FM14, a feature that is remarkable in its whimsicality and imagination and
something only UTV could possible come up with or even consider

8 th September 2013

Today I had an amusing thought. If UTV was a crazy cat lady he would refer to himself as a crazy
distraught dingo lady, or something similar. Anyway, onto my thoughts about the day and UTV's
posts. They were very good again and revolved around one event in particular. During a charity
football match during the day, a member of One Direction was injured in a tackle from Gabriel
Agbonlahor, or 'Gabby' as UTV dubs him in a playful manner. (The same way he dubs me 'Sad cunt').
UTV was able to bring to the attention of the thread several excellent posts from one direction fans
upset because their heroes were injured. To be honest, despite the mocking that has taken place
towards the fans of One Direction, I would react in a similar fashion is somebody were to injure UTV
and would possibly angrily send death threats that I have no intention of going through with. But I
would certainly be remarkably upset. He also discussed his excitement for the upcoming videogame
Grand Theft Auto 5. 1 hope it is good because this will make UTV happy but not so good that he is
distracted from posting in /trb/ threads.

9 th September 2013

UTV did not make a large number of posts today. It was still an enjoyable, if quiet, day, but not an
active one. I had a slightly altercation with Didi who claimed that UTV was angry at me in the IRC but
luckily UTV came to defend me and pointed out that he has never entered the IRC and thusly I had
not upset him and he was perfectly happy. Today he pulled a wonderful prank referring to Shefti
Kuqi's nationality and was generally himself but there isn't much to comment on

10 th September 2013

Today was another slow day but it was a slow day where a large number of the /trb/ posts belonged
to UTV. This ensured I had plenty to read and analyse as well as plenty to pay attention to. I didn't
become bored thanks to the steady stream of UTV posts that occurred at a steady rate during the
day. Just as I finished reading and examining one another would appear and give me another half
hour of solid entertainment. Also, I posted one of my images about UTV, the ruise cruise image, for
UTV's amusement. He seemed to like it, his response was that of 'content chinaman.gif, which is
actually a jolly Japanese, but it still made me feel amazing that the man I love and idolise to such a
degree was so happy with something I did for him. I hope he gets as much usage from the image as
he possible can because it will give me pleasure every time I see it used. What an amazing
advancement in our relationship today was.

11 th September 2013

It shouldn't come as a surprise to me that I have enjoyed a UTV day anymore but of course, I once
again am taken aback by quite how much I love him and worship and care about every single thing
that he attempts to do and indeed, usually succeeds in doing. UTV was once again very funny and
new and exciting throughout today. He casually mocked Americans in the close to racist but actually
very loving and caring passionfashion that only UTV really can, and he impersonated YerDinner. His
impersonation was as perfect as every filename his brilliant mind creates. He mocked his
mannerisms and the type of message he creates almost to perfection and it took me a while to
realise that I wasn't reading YerDinners posts, and I almost forgot to archive them, it was that
convincing and utterly superbly cutting a mockery. I laughed quite hard. It was also fitting that on
the anniversary of 9/11 he provided a day I will 'never forget'

12 th September 2013

UTV made a very small number of posts today. I do not have a lot to say other than they helped me
get through the day. I was also able to start uploading videos and creating them for youtube today. I
hope that I can enjoy this UTV related content and allow it to continue to fulfil my day. One event
that did concern me today was UTV discussing how he loves Holy Cat. I am sure he was saying this in
his typical, flippant playful way but it concerns me to see someone getting in the way of my loving
relationship with him. At the end of the day UTV became involved in an excellent argument with
MiB. He photoshopped a wonderfully hilarious image of him as a protester with a suitably witty
filename. This was the highlight of the day.

13 th September 2013

Today has been a difficult day. UTV went almost 9 hours without posting. I was able to create many
works today but that isn't important, at times I felt very sad and alone. I do not wish to think about
this day

14 th September 2013

Today was an excellent day for UTV. Aston Villa took on Newcastle in the Premier League and were
sadly defeated, but UTV did not let this defeat him. Instead, as he has so often, he persevered.
Despite the ill feeling he must have had at seeing his second love (I am his first) so desperate, he
continued to provide quality, funny posts during the day, and a great degree of entertainment for
myself, and everyone who participates within the Football Manager threads. His prickly relationship,
like a cactus, with MiB continued to grow in the absence of the rains of Grenville, and, like a cactus, I
expect it to stand strong for many years, even in times of nothing it will be able to provide
nourishment to me, and make me smile in a way I have never smiled before. Grenville did return and
I look forward to seeing him continue to draw excellent posts from UTV and to help him find his true
self once more. He also discussed Christian Beneteke and made some excellent points as to his
footballing ability and worth.

15 th September 2013

I sit here at 23.18pm.

UTV has only posted once today

It is days like these where I wonder why I do this for us. Why I do this. I wonder if he cares. If we
were a married couple then he would have been out all night and returned with the smell of
intercourse on his Villa shirt and lipstick and vaginal semen staining his clothes.

I feel sick

16 th September 2013

Luckily today saw many UTV posts, and excellent signs of recovery. When he started posting again in
the days afternoon, I found a smile beaming on my face from cheek to cheek, and I am still smiling
now. I am so happy that my UTV has come back to me and I feel my testosterone building with every
passing post that he makes, he is such a great man. His first order of business was classic UTV. He
easily shot down an angry Birmingham fan, with well reasoned arguments that included just tinge of
that classic UTV biting anger and wit that I missed so much over the prior day. He then discussed
Aston Villa and Grand Theft Auto 5. I look forward to his resurgence in the coming days with great
excitement

17 th September 2013

Today was another depressing day but it was one I had anticipated. UTV has only made 3 posts
during the day all relating to the release of Grand Theft Auto 5. Luckily, I was aware that this game
was being released, and that he would purchase it and we would miss out on a few days together. I
have planned for this and been writing about him, and rewatching tapes of old UTV posts to keep
me company

18 th September 2013

Thread 240 was both the easiest and the hardest thread I have ever had to archive. With just 3 posts
from UTV in over 35 hours, the manual effort was nil, but the mental strain that being separated
from my friend for such a length of time was almost too much for me to bare. I know he is just
enjoying Grand Theft Auto
I will get through this

19 th September 2013

UTV has not posted today.

I am becoming progressively more upset and I do not want to be angry with UTV but I wish he would
come to speak with me and explain where he has gone

20 th September 2013

Dearest diary today UTV made two posts. I am so happy that he has finally returned I will repost
both of them here in full. The first post was ">Traore. Hoof". The second post was "You know what
they say- Jack of all trades, master of none". As you can see, they are short posts but excellent. I
think he wouldn't have posted them usually but did because he knew how much I miss him. In a way
I feel like a dog which has been beaten and mistreated for months and is just now being fed dinner
scraps from its abusive owner, but I don't care about the mistreatment, I am happy to eat the food
from UTVs plate. I am so happy I have my mentor back

21 st September 2013

Today was the greatest day I have had for many days. It was the rising of the Philnix. UTV is back and
he is as exciting, amusing, extraordinary and dazzling as he has ever been. He made several exciting
and otherwise amusing posts, talking about how he treats his players, and how he owns a desktop
rather than a laptop. I was so happy just to see him post. He referred to me as 'one autist'. I think
this is my pet name for him, or as he would call me, his 'wild animal name'! I love seeing him speak
about me in a personal terms because it allows us to connect on a far deeper, more mentally
intimate level. I am so happy to have my UTV back and I hope that this continues a trend of him
posting more and more often as he is such a wonderful person I cannot be without him for long. I
cannot compare him to drugs, as drugs are taken at parties and I do not like parties, but he has a
level of addiction which is similar to it.

22 nd September 2013

Today was a slower day for UTV, he only posted 9 times but I still enjoyed them all a massive,
enormous amount. He discussed Manchester City triumphing 4-1 against Manchester United in the
Manchester derby. I enjoyed watching him laugh and join the mocking of Manchester United
manager David Moyes and his hilarious implications of the Manchester United fans on 606 being
almost entirely from the city of London, where it is often said Manchester United bandwagoners
come from. He also ensured that other posters in /trb/ do not see him as a bandwagoner, which of
course he isn't as he is a supporter of Aston Villa and has an unrivalled passion for them, which
reminds me of my passion for him

23 rd September 2013

I am depressed today and do not wish to speak here. Philgive me UTV.

24 th September 2013

Please come back UTV
I can't go on much longer.

25 th September 2013

UTV is back and I couldn't be happier. He only made 3 posts but I believe this is it, and he will now be
back forever and ever, I he will do it for me. It is as though he has been sneaking into my house and
reading my diary about him. If he has been doing this I will be so happy, because it means he has
seen my living area and knows how much of it is truly dedicated to UTV and his lifestyle and life in
general. I hope this is the case and will sleep with nothing on tonight just in case

26 th September 2013

UTV made only one post today and this was in the early hours. However it will tide me over, for now,
I just pray that he starts to post more often before long.

27 th September 2013

OK we need to have a serious fucking talk. I have given everything to UTV. I have looked after him
for months. Helping him out, giving him the sort of love that most people dream of, write poetry
about and need more than anything else. How do I know where he is now? I don't. He could be out
posting about /trb/ on another forum. He could be out drinking. He could be DEAD. And I don't even
know. He hasn't checked in again. He hasn't bothered again. He doesn't care about me and he
doesn't care about us. How will we ever have apprentices who learn to archive and care for others?
How will we pass out lessons on to them if he is never here? I have been sitting in the dark waiting
for him to return. I know when he does he will act like nothing is wrong. He will ignore my
anonymous posts that are vague and don't reference him specifically even though he will know it is
me talking about him. When I post he will call me pet names and laugh with me pretending as
though this last couple of weeks didn't happen and he didn't leave me alone. I am starting to think
he is only pretending to like me because he wants his brilliant mind preserved for all the ages to see.

I am starting to think he doesn't let me archive him because he loves me. I need to calm down. I
need to get a drink of water and relax by listening to it as I empty it into the sink. I need to calm
down and maybe he will explain himself when he returns. Maybe he will come home soon. I just
hope I don't have to hear on the news about a striking and academic man being killed because he
wouldn't give tips on how to do a decent job at Villa on FM13 to an angry passer by.

28 th September 2013

Today UTV answered me call. It is as though every letter I typed yesterday burnt a letter into his skin.
He is back and as good as ever. Obviously the performance of Aston Villa against Manchester City
helped his mood and a happy UTV is a very happy me. His osts today mainly revolved around Aston
Villa and some classic cheek in his attempts to wind up Grenville. All I can say is how delighted I am

29 th September 2013

I think my prayers have been answered. UTV is back for good. Today he made 21 posts, his highest
total in almost 2 weeks, and I think he has come to realise how much he misses /trb/ and more
importantly, how he misses me. In a way, I think this will be good for our relationship. This is
because he now knows how much it hurts him when we are apart, and now he is likely to become
clingy and needy, which is something I have dreamt of for months. A UTV who loves me and
responds to every post I make. I may include a phone number in one of my volumes and when he
sees it he will call me. I love him and cannot wait for our relationship to become even stronger

30 th September 2013

Today was the end of the month and it ended the way the entire month has been as a whole. With a
nice amount of UTV but not enough to fully satisfy my hankering and need for his posting. He posted
17 times today in a very slow thread and this included some excellently long and intriguing posts
about Aston Villa and Christian Benteke where he debated with a Belgian poster about Villas
footballing prowess. I was so proud to see him win his debate. It shows his true mastery of the
English language that even somebody who does not speak it as their native knew that they had no
chance of fighting back against him. Maybe soon I will intentionally debate with UTV so he attacks
me and swears at me. I will feel as though I am being chained to his fence and whipped and poked
with hot chains, it will be very abusive and may upset me but in the longer term I will enjoy it

because I love UTV so much. I can only hope that tomorrow is as good as today and next month
continues to improve

1 st October 2013

October 1 st . A new month. A new day. And a new start for UTV. He posted several times today
despite a slow thread. Most of the days posts were hilariously mocking the failures of his hated
Celtic in the Champions League. He also argued with Ladford in a witty and demeaning manner. In
the thread he was often attacked for what he said not being amusing enough but he certainly had
me laughing for hours on end with his witty and remarkably intelligent attacks and rebuttals. I know
he studies politics and his ability to win debates with his cunning vocabulary will surely see him
become an important politican. If he is ever a politican then I will certainly seek out a job as his
personal assistant. I will be a slave to him if I have to, getting to watch UTV benefit this country
would surely change my life and give me even more meaning to my days than UTV is currently
providing me with

2 nd October 2013

I think it is fair to say that UTV is well and truly back. Today he was in typically feisty and motivated
form, mocking and harassing Grenville for his views on the Irish national team. Grenville was simply
unable to cope with the ferocity and skill of UTV's debating- He wanted to state that Coleman would
start for Aston Villa but UTV simply would not have it. He destroyed the ever plucky Grenville once
again. I have a feeling that their relationship is now back at its peak where it once was lacking behind
slightly and had somewhat tailed off, as the two were on neutral ground- 1 am glad that they re no
longer on neutral ground. UTV is like the princess Xena- he is a warrior. He belongs somewhere,
fighting somebody. His natural habitat is fighting. If he was not a 4chan trip, he would probably be a
boxer, confusing his opponents by confirming he floats like a miffed moth and floats like a bested
beatle. I look forward to more of their relationship developing further.

3 rd October 2013

Today my mask almost slipped. I was almost seen by a parent whose gender I won't reveal here
detailing UTV work. Luckily I was able to avoid it but I have to hope they are not aroused by this.
Anyway, onto the days UTV posts. Naturally, they were fantastic- Only 7 of them today but it wasn't
a fast day and I have to expect that it could be freshers week at UTV's university, and some fish are
not meant to be caged, especially when they have feathers as bright as UTV's, so I do not mind if he
does not post often during these times so long as he updates me occasionally and shows me that he
wants to continue this relationship. He once again referred to Ladford as 'The Elephant Man', which
gets funnier with repitions, then admitted nobody placed anything in his ass. That is reassuring
although I would not be annoyed if he was homosexual- He shows some homoerotic tendencies in
his interactions with both Grenville and myself and I can understand him wanting to take things
further in an imminently sexual manner.

4 th October 2013

There were no UTV posts today. Marley and me is on television and I think about what would
happen if I had to put UTV down. I would probably hug him until his final breath and in his final
moments I would whisper the first thing he ever said to me. 'Project?'. He would cry and I would
embrace him in his final moments. Then I would end my own life.

5 th October 2013

There were no UTV posts today. I have tried to meditate in order to come to terms with the fact that
he is not posting here as much. It is helping. I thought of my favourite UTV volumes and recited them
to myself in a quiet, humming tone, close to throat singing them at times. I felt much more relaxed.
At one stage I felt the hand of UTV himself touch my shoulder. He told me to listen for a Bejazzled
Bobcat howling at the moon, I think he meant Coyote. I will listen for this during future meditations.

I feel much more at peace today.

6 th October 2013

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